There is a part of me that doesn't even want to start writing this post out of fear of what emotions and memories will come from it. Then there is another part of me that realizes that I have been put in a place I didn't really want to be put in where my story, journey, struggles, and honesty can help encourage someone else. Why do I struggle to let this part of me get out? Good question. When I figure out the answer to that I'll let you know.
What I'm finding out lately is that God has a plan for my story and the pain I've been through in sharing my story. It leaves me vulnerable that when I open myself up, people will not understand my emotions, and how could I even expect them to. Opening myself up will cause me to have to remember those hard places I had to face, I will most likely cry (maybe even for days at a time), I may be misunderstood and rejected by those closest to me, changes may have to be made that I don't want to make, but most of all I HOPE that opening myself up will encourage someone else who may be feeling the same way I am/did and will point them to God's Glory to not stay in the dark places of life, but to grasp on with the tiniest amount of hope that Christ saves us from the terrible things of this world. So, here I go.
A little over 7 years ago, my husband and I were starting to talk about parenthood. You see to two people who work with kids everyday, we enjoyed being able to teach and shape young minds while still being able to be home with each other and no other distractions. But we started conversations about parenthood. It didn't take too long (like less than a month) for me to find out that the possibility was going to soon be a reality. I found at in late March of 2007 that I was expecting. I was happy, glad, excited, but mostly really scared. Could I really raise a child? I have never been a person who dealt with babies much. I did lots of babysitting and teaching, but all of those kids knew how to use the bathroom on their own, tie their shoes, wipe their noses, etc. I think you get the picture. I kind of felt like this was out of my element. I started to worry!!! After finally convincing my husband that this was REAL. We made an appointment like most people do and began our prenatal visits.
The summer came and as my morning sickness turned into all day nausea, we realized that we needed to quickly get our house ready for another member. The summer is when we have tried to complete lots of projects that we just don't have the time for during the school year. So we painted our spare bedroom, bought a crib and dresser, and began to collect baby things gradually as we found them. Sometime that summer we found out that we were having a boy. What a great surprise!!! I kind of wanted a boy, b/c I'm not the most girly girl there is. I have a love/hate relationship with pink. Everything for little girls is pink. But that is another post for another day.
Well, the summer came and went and it was back into another school year. I started teaching 3rd grade with a great team of teachers. I quickly began to feel the pressures again. Teaching while being pregnant was really hard!!! I had a really challenging class that year, and wanted to get everything planned out for when I had to take my maternity leave. I'm a firstborn, and I think that means that we like to have all the plans laid out in a nice orderly fashion. But when those plans don't work out the way we think they should, we (Firstborns) have a really hard time adjusting to that.
The middle of October, I had a lot going on, but I quickly rushed out of work that day to make it to one of my appointments. That appointment changed my life forever. I was basically flying into the office and had barely sat down when they called me back and did all the normal pregnancy tests for each visit. That is when I was told that my blood pressure was quite elevated, and I had protein in my urine (sorry I kind of have to be real here). This being my first time doing this, I had no idea what that meant. My doctor sent me to the hospital that day and said that I might want to be ready to deliver a baby. What??? I was only 30 weeks along, no where near ready to have a baby!!! After my husband showed up and got the scoop from the doctor, he was really great at reassuring me that it was just to make sure my blood pressure went down. I had no idea what my blood pressure had to do with the baby, but later found out that they were quite concerned about my health more than with the baby.
I was told that I would be on bed rest until I had the baby. For me, that was hard, but not impossible. I had a lot of support at school, and my sub who had planned to take over for me when I was going to be on maternity leave just started a little earlier, like 2 months earlier. Sitting at home doing nothing gave me a chance to read, pray, write, and mostly rest. It was really tough though. I went from being really busy and having too much to do to having nothing to do. For 3 weeks I "rested". About that time, I had a Bio Physical Profile, which is basically a sonogram, but they are looking for specific movements, growth, and some other measurements. I knew something was not quite right when the person doing my sonogram would not look at me or even say much to me. She then directed me to go see my doctor. I thought that was strange, I wasn't scheduled to see my doctor at that time. But my pastor's wife took me and waited in the car for me. As I entered the office, the receptionists looked at me and quickly got me into a waiting room without checking me in or anything. Strange, but I was still clueless as to what would happen next.
I'm sitting in a room waiting for what seems like quite a while when another doctor I've never met comes in and asks me if there is anyone who could be with me right now. I said that my pastor's wife was waiting for me in the car and then said "why?" They told me that I should probably have someone with me before they told me what was going on. My pastor's wife called her husband and my husband too. We waited for a long time. My pastor got there, but it took my husband a little longer as he was coming from a nearby town about 30 minutes away. The doctor came in again and told me that it was not good news and that the baby had no heart beat. At the sound of those words, I was in a state of shock. I could not believe what I was hearing. I didn't cry, just sat there. I knew that I was going to have to tell my husband and it would crush him. Eventually he got there and I told him, not only did I cry, but I sobbed. I never knew life could be this disappointing!!! But my husband's first words were of great comfort, "God is still in control."
We were sent immediately to the hospital where they were once again monitoring my blood pressure and kept asking me if I was seeing spots. Why would they ask me that? I will tell you more on that later. I went through some of the most painful procedures of being induced, as my body thought it had more time to prepare itself to have a baby. I will say that next to hearing that our baby was gone, being induced was the most difficult thing in the world to me at that point. I will just say it, it stunk!!!!! I was in a constant state of being poked, checked, given meds, a state of fear, and mostly really SAD!!! I hated that room!!! After about a day and a half, I delivered my son stillborn on November 2, 2007 at 1:14 pm. The umbilical cord was wrapped extremely tight around his neck and that was the cause of him passing. We decided to name him Caden Everett. There was no significance to that name, but we had it picked for quite a while after we knew he would be a boy. It was unique enough, yet still had some normal ness about that name. I will probably write another post about naming our kids in the future.
We were flooded grief and as I held him in my arms that day, I looked down at his face and new that he was perfect, but that he wasn't there. His first memories got to be with Christ and that gave me so much comfort in such a painful time. We had many friends and family come to visit us and they just had no words for what to say. I didn't tell you, but that weekend was going to be our baby shower and it had to be cancelled. My emotions were all over the place and I just wanted to go home, but they would not let me until my blood pressure went down, and my blood pressure wasn't going down b/c I was too stressed. How do you not stress when you've had the most precious gift taken from you. Or so that was how I saw it at the time. It took me about 4 days to finally get to a place where they were going to let me go home.
In sharing this with you, this is my account of how things happened, but my journey was just beginning. God had some other plans for me and a road for me to walk down that was much harder than I expected or even wanted.
I've been encouraged to share openly and honestly b/c I've been told by some other women that it helps to hear my story. I'm grateful that my son Caden has a legacy he's leaving and that my pain was not and is not for nothing. Most of all I have not wanted to waste what I've been given, whether good or bad. I pray that God uses my story to make a difference in someone who has nobody and that by sharing I can encourage others that life is never quite what we expect, but with our hope in Christ we can live regardless of what this world throws at us. God never promised us a life of comfort or without trials and heartache, but He did promise He would go with us through the storm.
I do have more to say and this is not the end of my story, but is a good stopping point for me right now.
Mira
Showing posts with label Caden. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Caden. Show all posts
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Seven Years Journey
You would think after seven years, that I would have this whole dealing with grief thing figured out. But seriously I just don't. November 2, 2014 marked seven years since we had to say "Hello" and "Goodbye" to our first son Caden. Every year I've had a hard time the days leading up to that day and for at least a couple of weeks after.
This year, I decided that I wasn't going to say anything about it. We would just do our thing as a family and remember Caden in our own special way. Well, that was a HUGE mistake. I have felt so forgotten and alone this year. I don't really know what I was expecting or how I thought others would encourage us, but I guess I needed to do a better job of telling people what I need or how to help. I forget that my friends and family want to help, but don't always know how or what we need at the time. I guess we are all learning through this grief process.
So as I sit here and ponder about some of the questions people have asked me over the past week, I wanted to share some things that have helped me in the past and will help both Tom and I in the future. One thing Tom and I have both talked about is that we feel like talking about Caden makes some people uncomfortable. That is absolutely the last thing we want!!! We have gotten the sense that some people tend to shy away from us after we've shared our story, like we have a plague or something. I've tried to get a feel for people to see whether it is ok to open myself up in that way, but for us talking about him and what we've learned since losing him helps us so much. We have seen how God has changed us and blessed us since 2007, and that gives us hope for a purpose filled future.
So, here's a list of things that I have sincerely thought about that would be of great help to Tom and me while we are going through this time every year of grieving, remembering, and celebrating.
Well, we did get out of town like we had planned. We went to a lake near where Tom works and wrote the #7 on a balloon. Then we got out some notecards, wrote a message on it, Tom said a quick prayer and released it to the sky. It was really neat to experience this with our kids now. Jaycee has asked many questions about Caden and she has a real heart for what heaven is going to be like when God tells us it's our time to go there. She wrote a little note as well, and also drew a picture and her name. We stayed there until we could not see the balloon anymore. Miles slept most of the time, but I imagine that he looks a little like Caden would have. I am still amazed that I have two blond haired, blue eyed kids, and wonder if Caden could have gotten more of my features, but I await the day when I can see him again and live forever in God's presence with him. It gives me comfort to know that he does not have to endure the hardships of this world and that he is looking out for his sister and brother until they all will be reunited.
This year, I decided that I wasn't going to say anything about it. We would just do our thing as a family and remember Caden in our own special way. Well, that was a HUGE mistake. I have felt so forgotten and alone this year. I don't really know what I was expecting or how I thought others would encourage us, but I guess I needed to do a better job of telling people what I need or how to help. I forget that my friends and family want to help, but don't always know how or what we need at the time. I guess we are all learning through this grief process.
So as I sit here and ponder about some of the questions people have asked me over the past week, I wanted to share some things that have helped me in the past and will help both Tom and I in the future. One thing Tom and I have both talked about is that we feel like talking about Caden makes some people uncomfortable. That is absolutely the last thing we want!!! We have gotten the sense that some people tend to shy away from us after we've shared our story, like we have a plague or something. I've tried to get a feel for people to see whether it is ok to open myself up in that way, but for us talking about him and what we've learned since losing him helps us so much. We have seen how God has changed us and blessed us since 2007, and that gives us hope for a purpose filled future.
So, here's a list of things that I have sincerely thought about that would be of great help to Tom and me while we are going through this time every year of grieving, remembering, and celebrating.
- It means so much to me when people remember that November is when we lost Caden. I know that it isn't on everyone's calendar, and it shouldn't be. I would never wish this kind of grief on anyone!!! But for his life to be remembered and to actually say that to Tom and I means more than you will ever know.
- Calling, texting, or sending a card lets us know that we are not forgotten and that our story and journey matters. Tom especially needs this!!! Sometimes guys are so nonchalant about their feelings, that they don't think they need to grieve, but it is so important to be able to look ahead.
- As I was talking to a friend the other day, she told me that she and some other friends of ours were saying some really nice things about our story and the growth that God has made in us throughout the past seven years. They were also saying how encouraging it would be for others to hear about our story. I thought that was so very kind of them to say so many great things about us. The only thing is that neither Tom nor I knew any of what was being said. I think that saying anything to us about what you have seen in us, our family, our journey, or even what God has done in our lives since makes a huge difference.
- Lastly, I've got to say this because I know that some of my friends just don't know how to help and really want to. So I'm going to say this with a little apprehension, but here goes. Saying nothing really makes me/us feel alone and forgotten. Don't worry if you bring up sad times, or if we cry or get a little emotional. Chances are that at this time of year, that is going to happen anyway.
Well, we did get out of town like we had planned. We went to a lake near where Tom works and wrote the #7 on a balloon. Then we got out some notecards, wrote a message on it, Tom said a quick prayer and released it to the sky. It was really neat to experience this with our kids now. Jaycee has asked many questions about Caden and she has a real heart for what heaven is going to be like when God tells us it's our time to go there. She wrote a little note as well, and also drew a picture and her name. We stayed there until we could not see the balloon anymore. Miles slept most of the time, but I imagine that he looks a little like Caden would have. I am still amazed that I have two blond haired, blue eyed kids, and wonder if Caden could have gotten more of my features, but I await the day when I can see him again and live forever in God's presence with him. It gives me comfort to know that he does not have to endure the hardships of this world and that he is looking out for his sister and brother until they all will be reunited.
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| We all wrote notes to Caden letting him know how we felt about him and the time we've missed with him. |
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| Miles was all tuckered out and slept through most of it. |
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| The balloon soared through the sky, and we thought it wouldn't make it all the way across. |
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Mommy Blog Moments
I recently went to see my first movie in what seems like a very long time. What I discovered from that movie (more on it later) is that I'm a Mommy Blogger. That being said, I often think what do I have to say that will offer anything important to the world. That is when I begin to think about my reasons for starting this blog in the first place. I wanted to share my journey through grief after losing our first son, and learn what God wants me to share with the rest of the world about my faith.
That being said, I have learned that God is with me always!!! Even when I don't sense His presence. I have learned not to rely too heavily on my feelings, and that there is a season for everything. My journey has not been pretty at times, and has often times really stunk, but God has led me to Him and has brought people along the way that have healed my heart and lessened the pain of losing our first son. That pain isn't so heavy these days, but I do still wonder what Caden would be like when I see other kids the same age as he would've been. I've learned to "not sweat the small things" in life and to enjoy those special moments that I have been given. Life is way too short to let the little things in life get me down or to strive for a type of perfection that is not rooted in what God's plans are for my life. This life is hard, plain and simple. It is not easy, it's not fun at times, or even comfortable.
The more I mature as a Christ follower, the more I learn that my life was never meant to be any of those things. Does God want those things for me? I believe so, but more important than that, God wants an amazing relationship with me and to see me turn to Him and trust Him with those things that no one even knows I struggle with. Well, as I spent a wonderful Monday morning with my awesome kids who make me see how blessed I am every day, I begin to live for those simple moments that I get to spend with them. I am reminded to enjoy those moments even when they aren't as I want them to be.
This past Monday, our Parents As Teachers group went to Botanica. I kept telling myself that maybe this wouldn't be such a great idea. It was really cloudy and rainy out and I just wanted to stay home under a blanket and snuggle up with a good book and movie with my kids. That sounds like fun right? I'm not a person who particularly likes the rain. Being of the curly-headed variety, the rain just doesn't work well with my type of hair (thanks dad :)). But it was one of the last events of the year, and it was FREE!!! Yep, that's right you heard me, FREE. So how could I not go?
I got up early, packed the diaper bag with extra snacks, diapers, wipes, and jackets and decided that when my kids got up we would eat breakfast and go. Well, my kids decided to sleep in and I loved the time to read, but that meant that they had to eat breakfast in the car. Yes, you heard me, I'm that mom, feeding my kids cereal bars while we head off for our daily activities at Botanica.
There is a special kid's area at Botanica that has musical instruments where the kids can play. This was my favorite part. Jaycee made up a wonderful song to the beat while pounding on those wonderful gongs or chimes.
The weather here in Kansas has been crazy lately. So when we have a day that isn't hot, cold, or windy, I felt like I should take advantage of it. We have this nature center near our house. I often think that I should take advantage of it more than I do. But we needed to get out of the house and I wanted to enjoy the fresh air and get a little walking in.
Farmer's Market
On the Saturday before Mother's Day, Tom asked me what I wanted to do. I really wanted to spend time doing some things we don't normally do as a family. Tom didn't have to referee anymore, and I wanted to enjoy having him around to help me with the kids. We headed out to Old Town and went to their Farmer's Market. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, it was a rather eclectic event, but I got to experience Wichita in a different way. They had live music, a balloon artist, Mother's Day bouquets, and kettle corn. This year Tom and I made a goal for us to try new things. This was one of the new things that I've wanted to do for a while since we've lived here. This might be something I do more often.
Well, that's all I have for today. I don't find my life too exciting, but it's my life and I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. I'm still a work in progress, and will probably always be, but it's in the progress that I learn more and more about myself and the women God created me to be.
That being said, I have learned that God is with me always!!! Even when I don't sense His presence. I have learned not to rely too heavily on my feelings, and that there is a season for everything. My journey has not been pretty at times, and has often times really stunk, but God has led me to Him and has brought people along the way that have healed my heart and lessened the pain of losing our first son. That pain isn't so heavy these days, but I do still wonder what Caden would be like when I see other kids the same age as he would've been. I've learned to "not sweat the small things" in life and to enjoy those special moments that I have been given. Life is way too short to let the little things in life get me down or to strive for a type of perfection that is not rooted in what God's plans are for my life. This life is hard, plain and simple. It is not easy, it's not fun at times, or even comfortable.
The more I mature as a Christ follower, the more I learn that my life was never meant to be any of those things. Does God want those things for me? I believe so, but more important than that, God wants an amazing relationship with me and to see me turn to Him and trust Him with those things that no one even knows I struggle with. Well, as I spent a wonderful Monday morning with my awesome kids who make me see how blessed I am every day, I begin to live for those simple moments that I get to spend with them. I am reminded to enjoy those moments even when they aren't as I want them to be.
This past Monday, our Parents As Teachers group went to Botanica. I kept telling myself that maybe this wouldn't be such a great idea. It was really cloudy and rainy out and I just wanted to stay home under a blanket and snuggle up with a good book and movie with my kids. That sounds like fun right? I'm not a person who particularly likes the rain. Being of the curly-headed variety, the rain just doesn't work well with my type of hair (thanks dad :)). But it was one of the last events of the year, and it was FREE!!! Yep, that's right you heard me, FREE. So how could I not go?
I got up early, packed the diaper bag with extra snacks, diapers, wipes, and jackets and decided that when my kids got up we would eat breakfast and go. Well, my kids decided to sleep in and I loved the time to read, but that meant that they had to eat breakfast in the car. Yes, you heard me, I'm that mom, feeding my kids cereal bars while we head off for our daily activities at Botanica.
There is a special kid's area at Botanica that has musical instruments where the kids can play. This was my favorite part. Jaycee made up a wonderful song to the beat while pounding on those wonderful gongs or chimes.
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| Miles even had fun despite the rain. |
The weather here in Kansas has been crazy lately. So when we have a day that isn't hot, cold, or windy, I felt like I should take advantage of it. We have this nature center near our house. I often think that I should take advantage of it more than I do. But we needed to get out of the house and I wanted to enjoy the fresh air and get a little walking in.
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| I found a scavenger hunt sheet on Pinterest that I thought would be fun for Jaycee as we walked. |
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| We saw geese. They are not afraid of us at all. They actually scared me a little. |
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| We saw ducks. |
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| More ducks. |
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| We saw turtles. We also saw several snakes in the water, but I was too freaked out by them to take any pictures. |
On the Saturday before Mother's Day, Tom asked me what I wanted to do. I really wanted to spend time doing some things we don't normally do as a family. Tom didn't have to referee anymore, and I wanted to enjoy having him around to help me with the kids. We headed out to Old Town and went to their Farmer's Market. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, it was a rather eclectic event, but I got to experience Wichita in a different way. They had live music, a balloon artist, Mother's Day bouquets, and kettle corn. This year Tom and I made a goal for us to try new things. This was one of the new things that I've wanted to do for a while since we've lived here. This might be something I do more often.
Well, that's all I have for today. I don't find my life too exciting, but it's my life and I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. I'm still a work in progress, and will probably always be, but it's in the progress that I learn more and more about myself and the women God created me to be.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Remembering Caden
Every year, we try to come up with a way to remember Caden. Sometimes it isn't anything really significant, but just to see what we've been blessed with since that day. As Jaycee gets older, she has begun to ask questions about Caden. I pray for wisdom as I try to share his story with her and eventually Miles.
So we decided to go downtown to The Keeper of the Plains. It was a beautiful morning and we said a little prayer and wrote a note about our thoughts and then released a balloon. Jaycee was very excited to see that balloon go "up to Heaven, with Jesus, and Caden" as she put it. It was a time for us to reflect back on those times, and to see the many ways God has provided for our family and how He has changed us in ways we never would have been without Caden's memory in our lives. I also loved seeing God's creation and the beauty of the weather outside. I can't imagine going through hard things without believing that God has a plan and what happens is all for His glory and I pray everyday that He helps me trust in His plan especially when it doesn't make sense to me.
We released a balloon and said a prayer for Caden. Then we watched until it disappeared.
Later on in the day, we found this really fun park. I call it the Castle Park. We stayed there until it got dark.
So we decided to go downtown to The Keeper of the Plains. It was a beautiful morning and we said a little prayer and wrote a note about our thoughts and then released a balloon. Jaycee was very excited to see that balloon go "up to Heaven, with Jesus, and Caden" as she put it. It was a time for us to reflect back on those times, and to see the many ways God has provided for our family and how He has changed us in ways we never would have been without Caden's memory in our lives. I also loved seeing God's creation and the beauty of the weather outside. I can't imagine going through hard things without believing that God has a plan and what happens is all for His glory and I pray everyday that He helps me trust in His plan especially when it doesn't make sense to me.
We released a balloon and said a prayer for Caden. Then we watched until it disappeared.
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| This is my favorite picture. Hard to believe that it is from my little hand held camera. |
Later on in the day, we found this really fun park. I call it the Castle Park. We stayed there until it got dark.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Six Years - Our Story
I thought that for this post I would just share our story again. I don't how many people read this, but it is hard to believe that it has been six years since our little Caden went to be with Jesus. There are many days when it seems like the time has flown by and then there are days where it seems like just yesterday and is still so fresh in my memories. Those memories are hard for me!!! I am trying this year to be purposeful in what we do to celebrate the good things God has blessed us with since losing Caden and sharing his memories with my kids. That tends to be a task that I don't quite feel prepared for, but I know God will give me wisdom in how to grieve and celebrate at the same time. Here's our story.
In 2007, Tom and I were both teaching at that time. We had talked about starting a family many times, but just never quite felt ready for the responsibilities of raising kids and the financial toll it would put on our life as a couple. A few years earlier, we had taken a Crown Financial Ministries Bible study. It taught us so much and we really began to see a snowball of debts being paid off quickly. Our dreams were to one day be completely debt free. That is still a goal.
That same year, we decided to head to Chicago to see our favorite college basketball team play, the KU Jayhawks. They were in the first round of the NCAA tournament and we found some pretty reasonable tickets. Needless to say, we were excited for the opportunity to see them play and to do some traveling. Several weeks after returning home from Chicago, I began to feel pretty lousy. I wasn't sure what it was, but I had not felt that sick in a long time. I couldn't eat anything and I felt very nauseous. I hadn't really thought about it too much, but that sick feeling just would not go away. So I decided to take a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it was positive. I was completely shocked!!!! We had talked about starting to have kids soon, but were planning on trying after the school year was over for the summer. I had no idea that it could happen so fast!!!
After getting used to the idea of being pregnant and becoming parents soon, we started to get excited and plan what to do for a nursery. I had a picture saved from when we took a trip to Home Depot and I told Tom someday that I would like to decorate our kids' room like that. He remembered and that was that. We picked out the bright colors of lime green, yellow, and turquoise. Tom spent a weekend taping and putting the colors into a checkered pattern. When he finished it looked just like I had imagined it to be.
Later that summer we found out that we were going to have a boy. We were both pretty excited b/c he was going to be the first grandson on both sides of our families. We were excited to be able to teach him about all of the things we loved, like Jesus, sports, family, traveling, and much more. We were anxiously anticipating his arrival.
School started that August and I was busy!!! I was teaching 3rd grade at the time and really wanted to get my students off to a good start before I would be taking my maternity leave in December. I was also quite stressed since 3rd grade is when state assessments start. I wanted to get my class off to a good start. I had quite the challenging group of kids which made the task of preparing them for when I would be gone a little harder. But I was up for the challenge.
On one of my appointment days, I had to leave school really quickly to get to my appt. on time. I also forgot that I had afterschool duty that day too. I was needless to say a little overwhelmed and stressed. I ended up making it to my appt. on time and luckily for me, Tom was able to go with me. Little did I know that day would forever change my life.
We went into the Drs. office and I thought it was a regular check up. The nurse checked the regular things like blood pressure and proteins and such. She said that my blood pressure was high, but didn't really seem too concerned about it. As my Dr. entered the room, I just knew that something was different about this appt. then the others. She said that my blood pressure was too high and that I had too much protein and she was sending us straight to the hospital. I was terrified. I was only 30 weeks pregnant at that time and not ready at all to have a baby.
We went to the hospital and I was given a dose of steroids and lots of other fluids to try to get my blood pressure down. The nurses there were so kind and took great care of me. I was ready with the steroid shots just in case I was going to have the baby early. I was in the hospital for a total of 4 days before they let me go home. I was put on strict bed rest at home and was going to stay at home until I had the baby. My Dr. diagnosed me as having preeclampsia. It is pregnancy induced high blood pressure, and is sometimes common in women with their first pregnancies. The only way to get rid of it is to have the baby, but it was too early for that.
I had to get used to the idea of being on bed rest. I sat in my house and stared at the walls wondering what to do, but knowing that I just had to stay put and rest. So I obediently followed all of my doctor's instructions. I also had a lot of time to think, think, and think some more. Not only did I have time to think, but I also had a lot of time to read. I was given several books and put them in a basket by me. I read a lot about parenting and also just some fun Christian fiction novels. I used a lot of that time to pray and speak to God. It was a great time for me to ask for wisdom as we were about the embark onto a new journey of parenthood. It was during this time that I started to make lots of notes in my Bible and put sticky notes on the pages which had verses that really spoke to me and gave me great comfort.
Three weeks later, my Dr. sent me in for a biophysical profile, which is basically a sonogram, but they are looking for specific movements. As I went to that appt. my pastor's wife at the time took me, because Tom couldn't come with me. I went in with a positive attitude and just was waiting out the last several weeks until I could hold my baby in my arms. While I was there, I could just sense that something was different. The sonographer sent me immediately to my Dr. I thought that was strange as I didn't have an appt. with her then. As I entered the office, I saw the receptionists talking and then fell silent as I entered. It was then that I knew that I would not be getting good news, but I was still hopeful. I thought that I was going to have to go into the hospital right away b/c of some of my protein levels. I had no idea what was about to happen. My pastor's wife stayed out in the car to wait for me, b/c I didn't think it would be too long.
I have always been told that God never gives you more than you can handle, but I never really knew what that meant until that first day in November. A different Dr. came in and asked me if there was anyone that could come in the room with me. So I called my pastor's wife in the car and let her know what they said to me. She advised me that I should call Tom. She also called her husband and they both came into the room with me. It seemed like I was waiting forever for someone to tell me what in the world was going on. Finally another Dr. came in and said that my baby had no heart beat. I tried really hard to hold it together, but all I could do at that point was to cry. My whole world fell apart!!! I remembered thinking that it was a mistake and that they should do another sonogram. Tom came and I had to tell him the bad news. His words the best kind of loving husband. He simply said "God is in control." It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was the truth. We both sat there and cried and prayed that God would give us the strength to do what we needed to do and grieve in a way that brought glory to His name. I sometimes don't know if we have done that. So much has happened, but I know that God revealed himself to me in ways that I would never have imagined.
Later that day, we headed to the hospital again. My dr. was not on-call that day, but she came and did whatever I needed so that I would have minimal pain and that it would be a quick delivery. Yes, I had to deliver as if he was a healthy live baby, but with the knowledge of knowing that he was gone. I didn't think that I could do it. For an entire day, I was being prepped to deliver a baby that was no longer alive and it really made me angry!!! They decided to induce me, so that things would go along faster. There was a lot of fuss, and rushing to get everything going quickly, and I wondered what the rush was all about. Everyone kept asking me how my vision was, how I was feeling, and if I felt faint or something. I thought it was really strange and just wanted everyone to leave me alone to cry and grieve silently. What I didn't know, but found out later was that they were extremely concerned for my health. My blood pressure since first arriving at the hospital rose to dangerous levels and they were concerned for my safety. At one point, my blood pressure was 200/100. I never paid much attention to blood pressure, but that was extremely dangerous, even more than I realized at the time.
So, after a day and a half of crying, pain, induction, and trying to deliver a baby, on Friday November 2, 2007 at 1:15 pm, I delivered a stillborn Caden Everett Ehrlich. He weighed 3 lbs. and 6 oz. He was so tiny, but so complete too. Tom and I were able to hold him for as long as we wanted to. It was a bittersweet moment. I knew that he was not there, but all I wanted to do was hold him. I felt so empty!!!
I ended up having to stay in the hospital for another 4 days until my blood pressure went back down. While I was there many family and friends came to visit. It brought a little comfort at such a painful time. Tom and I also had to prepare for a memorial. Neither one of us had even considered having a memorial or knew what we would do. Our pastor told us about an organization called Agape Care Cradle. So we said that we would look into it. They helped us decide what kind of service we wanted to have and how we wanted to remember Caden. We never thought that we would have a baby and then give him a memorial service all in the same week. It broke both of our hearts.
Caden's memorial was a way for us to share our faith with many people. Our students at work made cards and shared with us similar situations that they had with losing a little brother or sister. I also heard from many people that they were amazed at how we were able to leave the hospital without Caden. There was no amazement about it. For us we had no choice. It was what had to be done. I also had many people that wanted to donate in Caden's name to different organizations and such. I was overwhelmed at how much Caden had affected others. I decided that I did not want to waste my pain and I wanted to do something to honor him.
This blog was my way of honoring him. I talk about our trials and how we have come through some rough storms. I never thought of myself as someone who is strong, but with God's help, I am stronger than I ever wanted to be especially when I felt like giving up. Losing Caden taught me many things about the world around me and what is really important. That day God changed me and allowed me to lean on Him in the most vulnerable way possible. I don't know how I would have been able to go through all of that without my Faith and Hope in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Knowing Jesus gives me hope that this world is not all there is for me. With lots of help from Him I continue to trust in the plans that God has for me and my family. I don't begin to know or understand the things God has planned for my life, but I do know that one day my tears will be wiped away and I rejoice and hope for that day. As I look at all the ways God has blessed me and my family since losing Caden, I know that I have learned so much about the kind of parent the Lord wants me to be. As I think about Caden, I cry a lot, but I also celebrate what I've been blessed with and how I've grown as a Christian, woman, mother, wife, daughter, and friend. I want to be intentional in how I grieve so that my kids will see God's glory through losing Caden and will celebrate what the Lord has brought us through and how we've grown.
Caden, I believe is living in perfection and I am so jealous. His first experiences are of our Heavenly Father. I have learned so much from him. I hold him in my heart always and he will never be forgotten. As I remember him, I cry a lot, but I also think about the blessings I've received and that my faith means so much more now. So, as I cry and grieve this year, I hold onto my Lord and wait until he decides that I can see Caden again.
the Ehrlich's
In 2007, Tom and I were both teaching at that time. We had talked about starting a family many times, but just never quite felt ready for the responsibilities of raising kids and the financial toll it would put on our life as a couple. A few years earlier, we had taken a Crown Financial Ministries Bible study. It taught us so much and we really began to see a snowball of debts being paid off quickly. Our dreams were to one day be completely debt free. That is still a goal.
That same year, we decided to head to Chicago to see our favorite college basketball team play, the KU Jayhawks. They were in the first round of the NCAA tournament and we found some pretty reasonable tickets. Needless to say, we were excited for the opportunity to see them play and to do some traveling. Several weeks after returning home from Chicago, I began to feel pretty lousy. I wasn't sure what it was, but I had not felt that sick in a long time. I couldn't eat anything and I felt very nauseous. I hadn't really thought about it too much, but that sick feeling just would not go away. So I decided to take a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it was positive. I was completely shocked!!!! We had talked about starting to have kids soon, but were planning on trying after the school year was over for the summer. I had no idea that it could happen so fast!!!
After getting used to the idea of being pregnant and becoming parents soon, we started to get excited and plan what to do for a nursery. I had a picture saved from when we took a trip to Home Depot and I told Tom someday that I would like to decorate our kids' room like that. He remembered and that was that. We picked out the bright colors of lime green, yellow, and turquoise. Tom spent a weekend taping and putting the colors into a checkered pattern. When he finished it looked just like I had imagined it to be.
Later that summer we found out that we were going to have a boy. We were both pretty excited b/c he was going to be the first grandson on both sides of our families. We were excited to be able to teach him about all of the things we loved, like Jesus, sports, family, traveling, and much more. We were anxiously anticipating his arrival.
School started that August and I was busy!!! I was teaching 3rd grade at the time and really wanted to get my students off to a good start before I would be taking my maternity leave in December. I was also quite stressed since 3rd grade is when state assessments start. I wanted to get my class off to a good start. I had quite the challenging group of kids which made the task of preparing them for when I would be gone a little harder. But I was up for the challenge.
On one of my appointment days, I had to leave school really quickly to get to my appt. on time. I also forgot that I had afterschool duty that day too. I was needless to say a little overwhelmed and stressed. I ended up making it to my appt. on time and luckily for me, Tom was able to go with me. Little did I know that day would forever change my life.
We went into the Drs. office and I thought it was a regular check up. The nurse checked the regular things like blood pressure and proteins and such. She said that my blood pressure was high, but didn't really seem too concerned about it. As my Dr. entered the room, I just knew that something was different about this appt. then the others. She said that my blood pressure was too high and that I had too much protein and she was sending us straight to the hospital. I was terrified. I was only 30 weeks pregnant at that time and not ready at all to have a baby.
We went to the hospital and I was given a dose of steroids and lots of other fluids to try to get my blood pressure down. The nurses there were so kind and took great care of me. I was ready with the steroid shots just in case I was going to have the baby early. I was in the hospital for a total of 4 days before they let me go home. I was put on strict bed rest at home and was going to stay at home until I had the baby. My Dr. diagnosed me as having preeclampsia. It is pregnancy induced high blood pressure, and is sometimes common in women with their first pregnancies. The only way to get rid of it is to have the baby, but it was too early for that.
I had to get used to the idea of being on bed rest. I sat in my house and stared at the walls wondering what to do, but knowing that I just had to stay put and rest. So I obediently followed all of my doctor's instructions. I also had a lot of time to think, think, and think some more. Not only did I have time to think, but I also had a lot of time to read. I was given several books and put them in a basket by me. I read a lot about parenting and also just some fun Christian fiction novels. I used a lot of that time to pray and speak to God. It was a great time for me to ask for wisdom as we were about the embark onto a new journey of parenthood. It was during this time that I started to make lots of notes in my Bible and put sticky notes on the pages which had verses that really spoke to me and gave me great comfort.
Three weeks later, my Dr. sent me in for a biophysical profile, which is basically a sonogram, but they are looking for specific movements. As I went to that appt. my pastor's wife at the time took me, because Tom couldn't come with me. I went in with a positive attitude and just was waiting out the last several weeks until I could hold my baby in my arms. While I was there, I could just sense that something was different. The sonographer sent me immediately to my Dr. I thought that was strange as I didn't have an appt. with her then. As I entered the office, I saw the receptionists talking and then fell silent as I entered. It was then that I knew that I would not be getting good news, but I was still hopeful. I thought that I was going to have to go into the hospital right away b/c of some of my protein levels. I had no idea what was about to happen. My pastor's wife stayed out in the car to wait for me, b/c I didn't think it would be too long.
I have always been told that God never gives you more than you can handle, but I never really knew what that meant until that first day in November. A different Dr. came in and asked me if there was anyone that could come in the room with me. So I called my pastor's wife in the car and let her know what they said to me. She advised me that I should call Tom. She also called her husband and they both came into the room with me. It seemed like I was waiting forever for someone to tell me what in the world was going on. Finally another Dr. came in and said that my baby had no heart beat. I tried really hard to hold it together, but all I could do at that point was to cry. My whole world fell apart!!! I remembered thinking that it was a mistake and that they should do another sonogram. Tom came and I had to tell him the bad news. His words the best kind of loving husband. He simply said "God is in control." It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was the truth. We both sat there and cried and prayed that God would give us the strength to do what we needed to do and grieve in a way that brought glory to His name. I sometimes don't know if we have done that. So much has happened, but I know that God revealed himself to me in ways that I would never have imagined.
Later that day, we headed to the hospital again. My dr. was not on-call that day, but she came and did whatever I needed so that I would have minimal pain and that it would be a quick delivery. Yes, I had to deliver as if he was a healthy live baby, but with the knowledge of knowing that he was gone. I didn't think that I could do it. For an entire day, I was being prepped to deliver a baby that was no longer alive and it really made me angry!!! They decided to induce me, so that things would go along faster. There was a lot of fuss, and rushing to get everything going quickly, and I wondered what the rush was all about. Everyone kept asking me how my vision was, how I was feeling, and if I felt faint or something. I thought it was really strange and just wanted everyone to leave me alone to cry and grieve silently. What I didn't know, but found out later was that they were extremely concerned for my health. My blood pressure since first arriving at the hospital rose to dangerous levels and they were concerned for my safety. At one point, my blood pressure was 200/100. I never paid much attention to blood pressure, but that was extremely dangerous, even more than I realized at the time.
So, after a day and a half of crying, pain, induction, and trying to deliver a baby, on Friday November 2, 2007 at 1:15 pm, I delivered a stillborn Caden Everett Ehrlich. He weighed 3 lbs. and 6 oz. He was so tiny, but so complete too. Tom and I were able to hold him for as long as we wanted to. It was a bittersweet moment. I knew that he was not there, but all I wanted to do was hold him. I felt so empty!!!
I ended up having to stay in the hospital for another 4 days until my blood pressure went back down. While I was there many family and friends came to visit. It brought a little comfort at such a painful time. Tom and I also had to prepare for a memorial. Neither one of us had even considered having a memorial or knew what we would do. Our pastor told us about an organization called Agape Care Cradle. So we said that we would look into it. They helped us decide what kind of service we wanted to have and how we wanted to remember Caden. We never thought that we would have a baby and then give him a memorial service all in the same week. It broke both of our hearts.
Caden's memorial was a way for us to share our faith with many people. Our students at work made cards and shared with us similar situations that they had with losing a little brother or sister. I also heard from many people that they were amazed at how we were able to leave the hospital without Caden. There was no amazement about it. For us we had no choice. It was what had to be done. I also had many people that wanted to donate in Caden's name to different organizations and such. I was overwhelmed at how much Caden had affected others. I decided that I did not want to waste my pain and I wanted to do something to honor him.
This blog was my way of honoring him. I talk about our trials and how we have come through some rough storms. I never thought of myself as someone who is strong, but with God's help, I am stronger than I ever wanted to be especially when I felt like giving up. Losing Caden taught me many things about the world around me and what is really important. That day God changed me and allowed me to lean on Him in the most vulnerable way possible. I don't know how I would have been able to go through all of that without my Faith and Hope in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Knowing Jesus gives me hope that this world is not all there is for me. With lots of help from Him I continue to trust in the plans that God has for me and my family. I don't begin to know or understand the things God has planned for my life, but I do know that one day my tears will be wiped away and I rejoice and hope for that day. As I look at all the ways God has blessed me and my family since losing Caden, I know that I have learned so much about the kind of parent the Lord wants me to be. As I think about Caden, I cry a lot, but I also celebrate what I've been blessed with and how I've grown as a Christian, woman, mother, wife, daughter, and friend. I want to be intentional in how I grieve so that my kids will see God's glory through losing Caden and will celebrate what the Lord has brought us through and how we've grown.
Caden, I believe is living in perfection and I am so jealous. His first experiences are of our Heavenly Father. I have learned so much from him. I hold him in my heart always and he will never be forgotten. As I remember him, I cry a lot, but I also think about the blessings I've received and that my faith means so much more now. So, as I cry and grieve this year, I hold onto my Lord and wait until he decides that I can see Caden again.
the Ehrlich's
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Blessed
A couple of weeks ago, was a super busy week for us. Almost too busy, but in a way a blessing for my anxiety. With 2 Dr. appointments, garage sale for 3 days, a vendor event for my 31 business (I'll let you know how it went), Tom having to go to school two days, taking Jaycee to grandma's house, picking Jaycee up from grandma's, a night at the race track (Guy's Night), and Father's Day lunch, by Sunday, I was completely exhausted. Not to mention that Sunday's sermon at church was called Solitude. The main points of the message were that sometimes our lives are too hurried and we need to take some time to find solitude/ alone time with God to listen to what He is doing or going to do in our lives. I think that is what God is asking of me for the next several weeks. I will write about this topic in a later post.
I want to say that I truly believe that having that busy week was part of God's plan for our lives. I wouldn't normally think that God would want things to be so super busy, but it was a way to fight off the anxiety I was experiencing at the beginning of the week. I know that anxiety is not from God, and just maybe He allowed so many things to come into our lives unexpectedly last week that we didn't have time to think about our anxieties. You may have read about my anxiety in my last post.
Philippians 4:8 says: Finally brothers, whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy, think about such things. A few years ago, I started to memorize this verse to help combat the anxiety in my life at that time. I made a list of specific things in my life that were true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. Then I would think about those things instead of the things that made me anxious. I know that anxiety is not from God, but is Satan's way of trying to control me and hold me back from what God really wants for me.
Doctor's Appointments
At my 33 week appointment, my Dr. wanted me to come in twice. Once for a regular check up and to answer any questions that I have. Which at this point, I'm never sure what questions to ask, I'm curious about delivery and when and what to expect b/c of issues I had with Jaycee. I also had a biophysical profile. This is basically a sonogram, but they have specific movement checks they do to make sure the baby is moving appropriately for how far along I am. I didn't get nervous about this until right when we got to the office and were waiting. The name biophysical profile scares me because I had a biophysical profile when I was pregnant with Caden, and that is when they found out that he was no longer alive. It was the absolutely most crushing time of my life, and those memories came rushing back, except for the fact that I was feeling this baby move a lot. I must have had a lot to drink before. The lady who did our sonogram was really great and talked about everything she was doing.
Since I was at 33 weeks into this pregnancy, I felt truly blessed that so many people were praying for us and that God knew we needed a busy week to keep our minds from the anxieties that tend to creep up at the most random of times. I honestly must say I was way top busy and exhausted to even think about my anxiety of being 33 weeks pregnant and how that is a little scary for me. From here on out, I feel like I can breathe a little easier, but still not completely free from it until we get to meet this little guy.
I have so much more to write about but will have to save that for another blog post.
the Ehrlich's
I want to say that I truly believe that having that busy week was part of God's plan for our lives. I wouldn't normally think that God would want things to be so super busy, but it was a way to fight off the anxiety I was experiencing at the beginning of the week. I know that anxiety is not from God, and just maybe He allowed so many things to come into our lives unexpectedly last week that we didn't have time to think about our anxieties. You may have read about my anxiety in my last post.
Philippians 4:8 says: Finally brothers, whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy, think about such things. A few years ago, I started to memorize this verse to help combat the anxiety in my life at that time. I made a list of specific things in my life that were true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. Then I would think about those things instead of the things that made me anxious. I know that anxiety is not from God, but is Satan's way of trying to control me and hold me back from what God really wants for me.
Doctor's Appointments
At my 33 week appointment, my Dr. wanted me to come in twice. Once for a regular check up and to answer any questions that I have. Which at this point, I'm never sure what questions to ask, I'm curious about delivery and when and what to expect b/c of issues I had with Jaycee. I also had a biophysical profile. This is basically a sonogram, but they have specific movement checks they do to make sure the baby is moving appropriately for how far along I am. I didn't get nervous about this until right when we got to the office and were waiting. The name biophysical profile scares me because I had a biophysical profile when I was pregnant with Caden, and that is when they found out that he was no longer alive. It was the absolutely most crushing time of my life, and those memories came rushing back, except for the fact that I was feeling this baby move a lot. I must have had a lot to drink before. The lady who did our sonogram was really great and talked about everything she was doing.
Since I was at 33 weeks into this pregnancy, I felt truly blessed that so many people were praying for us and that God knew we needed a busy week to keep our minds from the anxieties that tend to creep up at the most random of times. I honestly must say I was way top busy and exhausted to even think about my anxiety of being 33 weeks pregnant and how that is a little scary for me. From here on out, I feel like I can breathe a little easier, but still not completely free from it until we get to meet this little guy.
I have so much more to write about but will have to save that for another blog post.
the Ehrlich's
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
33 Weeks
Pregnancy Update:
This week I'm 33 weeks along. That means only 7 weeks left until we get to meet this new little guy. While I'm excited about the arrival of another little one in our lives, I'm also reminded about another time when we were expecting a little boy to come into our lives. I was 33 weeks along when we found out that Caden would be delivered stillborn. The details of that awful day still stick with me from time to time and I imagine that they always will.
My anxiety has been all over the place, but I am reminded that God has a special place for me and for this baby and for Caden to be quite honest. I am reminded that Caden is up in heaven holding and preparing a place for when we can meet him. That thought makes me both cheerful and tearful all at the same time. I can't know what life may have been like had things turned out in a different way. All I know is that this is the path that was laid out before me and I had to walk it rather roughly. I'm not quite sure some days if I walked it well, or even if I still do walk it well. I do know that the pain is not so much in my face like it used to be and that I think of all the good that has come as a result of that terrible day.
This summer I started a Bible study called, Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted. I'm not really sure yet what God may be doing to interrupt my life right now, but 5 years ago after losing Caden, I definitely sensed that God interrupted my life. Now I'm not sure if the author of the study is meaning that kind of interruption, but for my life that is what it is meaning to me. My life was so horribly interrupted, that I wasn't sure I could even live at times!!!
Now, 5 years later, I think God is showing me what He brought me through after Caden was stillborn. Yes, my life was interrupted from what I had imagined it would be, but it was also interrupted divinely through how God allowed me to trust Him more than I had ever had to before. I changed in ways that I really didn't want to, but had to b/c I didn't want this period of grief to be wasted on things that didn't matter. I learned so much more about myself than I ever knew was possible, and I became much stronger in my faith than I realized was possible. God showed me peace!!! The kind of peace that only comes from divine interruptions that God allows to be placed in our lives. I became less fearful of the world and all of its imperfections and difficulties, and started to look at how God could use me to shed light on dark situations and circumstances. I've met people that I never would have met, been open about parts of my life that I was so uncomfortable sharing, placed myself in positions that would have ordinarily caused me great fear, and most of all placed all of my fears in God's hands. You can't know how peaceful that has made my life!!!
God didn't change anything about my life circumstances, but He did show a side of Himself to me that I had not seen up to that point. He showed me how much I mean to Him even in the middle of my deepest grief. He showed me how much I can TRUST Him in everything even when it doesn't make sense to me. He showed me that my plans for my life can be altered and that He had a better plan with results that lead to a heavenly goal and not just a goal for me here on earth. Most of all He showed me His tender love for a girl (still have a hard time calling myself a woman) who was so sensitive and lost and wanting to hide from it all, that my life did have value and He would reveal that to me when it was needed.
Several verses gave me such great comfort during that painful couple of years, that I think I will end by sharing them with you. And I know a lot of friends and family are praying for us this week and I have really felt the presence of God covering me so far this week. Thanks for praying for us!!!
Verses of Comfort:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever.
Proverbs 10:25
For I know that plans I have for you; declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-12
the Ehrlich's
This week I'm 33 weeks along. That means only 7 weeks left until we get to meet this new little guy. While I'm excited about the arrival of another little one in our lives, I'm also reminded about another time when we were expecting a little boy to come into our lives. I was 33 weeks along when we found out that Caden would be delivered stillborn. The details of that awful day still stick with me from time to time and I imagine that they always will.
My anxiety has been all over the place, but I am reminded that God has a special place for me and for this baby and for Caden to be quite honest. I am reminded that Caden is up in heaven holding and preparing a place for when we can meet him. That thought makes me both cheerful and tearful all at the same time. I can't know what life may have been like had things turned out in a different way. All I know is that this is the path that was laid out before me and I had to walk it rather roughly. I'm not quite sure some days if I walked it well, or even if I still do walk it well. I do know that the pain is not so much in my face like it used to be and that I think of all the good that has come as a result of that terrible day.
This summer I started a Bible study called, Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted. I'm not really sure yet what God may be doing to interrupt my life right now, but 5 years ago after losing Caden, I definitely sensed that God interrupted my life. Now I'm not sure if the author of the study is meaning that kind of interruption, but for my life that is what it is meaning to me. My life was so horribly interrupted, that I wasn't sure I could even live at times!!!
Now, 5 years later, I think God is showing me what He brought me through after Caden was stillborn. Yes, my life was interrupted from what I had imagined it would be, but it was also interrupted divinely through how God allowed me to trust Him more than I had ever had to before. I changed in ways that I really didn't want to, but had to b/c I didn't want this period of grief to be wasted on things that didn't matter. I learned so much more about myself than I ever knew was possible, and I became much stronger in my faith than I realized was possible. God showed me peace!!! The kind of peace that only comes from divine interruptions that God allows to be placed in our lives. I became less fearful of the world and all of its imperfections and difficulties, and started to look at how God could use me to shed light on dark situations and circumstances. I've met people that I never would have met, been open about parts of my life that I was so uncomfortable sharing, placed myself in positions that would have ordinarily caused me great fear, and most of all placed all of my fears in God's hands. You can't know how peaceful that has made my life!!!
God didn't change anything about my life circumstances, but He did show a side of Himself to me that I had not seen up to that point. He showed me how much I mean to Him even in the middle of my deepest grief. He showed me how much I can TRUST Him in everything even when it doesn't make sense to me. He showed me that my plans for my life can be altered and that He had a better plan with results that lead to a heavenly goal and not just a goal for me here on earth. Most of all He showed me His tender love for a girl (still have a hard time calling myself a woman) who was so sensitive and lost and wanting to hide from it all, that my life did have value and He would reveal that to me when it was needed.
Several verses gave me such great comfort during that painful couple of years, that I think I will end by sharing them with you. And I know a lot of friends and family are praying for us this week and I have really felt the presence of God covering me so far this week. Thanks for praying for us!!!
Verses of Comfort:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever.
Proverbs 10:25
For I know that plans I have for you; declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-12
the Ehrlich's
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Pregnancy Journey
So, you probably know from my last post that we are having a boy!!! As fun and exciting as that is, I am finding it really hard to allow myself to be excited. Having a boy is amazing for our family, but it is also bringing up lots of memories of Caden.
I have been thinking about Caden alot lately. Having another boy makes me a little anxious. I know that anxious thoughts are not from the Lord, but for some reason, I still feel a little anxious about it. I am also finding it hard to be excited about another boy. For some reason, when we were going to have Jaycee, things seemed completely different and new and I was excited and ready to put my heart out there again. This time, I find it hard to completely put my heart on the line. I am guardily excited. Happy about hopefully having a boy part of our lives, but still protective of having my heart ripped apart.
Guarding my heart right now is the best that I can do for myself. I have had several people ask me if I'm excited, and I really don't know how to answer that question. I was excited that I was even pregnant in the first place, but to be having another boy brings about a whole gammut of emotions that I didn't really think I'd have.
I have been reading Genesis a lot this year. What I've learned so far is how much God wants me to trust Him and His plan for my life. I'm not really sure what that is, but living everyday to glorify Him with the little things in my life is quite a start. I don't always get things right, and I fail miserably all too often, but right now I am learning to trust God with the small things. My anxieties about being pregnant this time around fall right up there. I mainly just want him to be healthy throughout the time I'm pregnant as well as making it here on earth safely. I know that may sound a little weird, but right now it is where I'm at. I pray that sometime God will give me the courage to go ahead and plan for this baby to make it here safely, but right now I just feel like I'm on hold until he arrives and then I will make plans. That is not normally how I work, I like to be organized, but I also am really needing to protect myself.
I wonder how I can trust God with the deepest part of my heart and still know that whatever may happen will be in His will, while guarding my heart and yet allowing myself to be excited about a new little boy joining us. I guess I need to keep taking these things to God and allowing Him to teach me what He wants me to learn from this experience and when I do feel like being excited to embrace it and when I'm not quite sure about it, to be ok with that too.
the Ehrlich's
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Keepin' It Real
So I have been listening to Mandisa a lot these days. Thanks to my friend Meagan. She let me borrow her CD and I think that I have held onto it for a little longer than expected. But she is the kind of friend that understands that life takes dramatic turns and allowed me to borrow it b/c I was struggling earlier this month.
For those of you who know me, I am a pretty quiet person, and it takes me some time to warm up to people, but I have this side to me that is quite talkative and loves rockin' out to Christian music. Back in the days, you could spot me in my little red sports car driving down main street blasting DC Talk's Jesus Freak album, or Jars of Clay, or even the Newsboys. As I have gotten older, that part of me is tamed down, but still exist for the few people who can bring out the "crazy, outgoing, and rocker" girl in me. Lately, it has been Mandisa, Toby Mac (formerly a DC Talker), Newsboys (whose lead singer is also a former DC Talker too), and Jeremy Camp. Are you noticing a theme yet? I have even made an ally of my daughter loving to rock out too. But the difference is that unlike me, Jaycee is not quiet, shy, or slow to warm up to people. She is very outgoing, loves to talk (non-stop sometimes), energetic, excited about almost everything, and bubbly. Raising a child with different personality traits than myself has been a learning experience for me. I don't like to stand out and I will blend in if necessary, but she likes the attention and is very strong willed. While, I don't always understand her personality, I am grateful that she has a strong mind and I am learning so much about her outgoing personality. She can make anyone laugh just when she is around them.
Tonight I just want to say that in "Keepin' It Real" I have been struggling this month. November is the month that I usually dread. Five years ago in November, I had the most heart breaking tragedy happen to me, and I never thought that I would be able to make it past another hour, let alone be sitting where I am 5 years later. Everything stopped for me. Life as I knew it was gone, and I had to try to be someone I wasn't comfortable with. Losing Caden was so very heart breaking and left me feeling so empty and alone inside. I remember just sitting by myself and being sad and crying all the time at the smallest possible things that would trigger the memories of that day when I delivered him. I sat in that hospital room holding my baby for the first time knowing that he wasn't there anymore. My heart ached for the time that I don't get to spend with him and my life felt so empty. I can't even begin to express all of the gamat of feeling that I went through.
Now 5 years later, I still feel that I am expected to be that kind of sad again. I am sad, but not in the way that I once was. I am sad that Caden doesn't see how many lives he has affected by heading straight to heaven and I want to be sad in a joyful way by remembering the things that have happened as a result of him. I keep so much of him with me that I remember him when I see all of the people that I have crossed paths with since losing him. I see him in the new friendships that I have made that never would have been were it not for him going to heaven ahead of me. I remember him everytime I see friends' kids who are the same age as he would have been. I am also so grateful that Caden changed me. There was a time when I didn't want to change because I didn't know that "new" girl. But now I see how much more confidence I have in myself and how much the little things just don't matter in the grand scheme of life. I have also changed by allowing a piece of him to come with me where ever I go. He is with me when my daughter asks if the balloon we are holding is for Caden. He is with me when I see someone hurting and just want to give them a hug, or plate of cookies, or send a card. He is with me when I meet someone new facing a similar situation and see their breaking hearts and just sit with them. He is mostly with me when I am alone with my thoughts and can't seem to sleep.
I think what I am trying to say is that I want to remember Caden, but I am not at that place where I am sad about it as much. God has been so faithful to me and my family and I know that is a direct result of Caden. My view of how much God cares for my family has been amplified so much over these last few years. I would not have been at a place of complete brokeness where all I had and needed was God to fill me, had it not been for losing Caden. While I wish that God could have used something else to get me to where my faith is today, this is how it is, and I am learning to press on towards the heavenly goal and look to the future with hope knowing that in moving forward I am continuing to take Caden with me. That is my prayer for my family.
One last blurb about "keepin it real". I have a wonderful friend that I never would have ever really been close to had it not been for Caden. This person I consider family. Her kids play with mine, and she and her husband are among the few people that we feel we can be completely real with. She accepts me when I am a mess, when I cry, when life is good, and when life is bad. It is people like her that remind me how much Caden has made an impact on other lives besides just mine. I have been so encouraged by the growth that they seen in our spritual lives and I know that I can go to them with anything. Friends like that are hard to find.
So I end by saying that November pretty much just stinks for us, and that is ok. I think it will always be this way and I will always struggle at this time of year. Approach us with lots of love, kindness, and sensitivity this month.
the Ehrlichs
For those of you who know me, I am a pretty quiet person, and it takes me some time to warm up to people, but I have this side to me that is quite talkative and loves rockin' out to Christian music. Back in the days, you could spot me in my little red sports car driving down main street blasting DC Talk's Jesus Freak album, or Jars of Clay, or even the Newsboys. As I have gotten older, that part of me is tamed down, but still exist for the few people who can bring out the "crazy, outgoing, and rocker" girl in me. Lately, it has been Mandisa, Toby Mac (formerly a DC Talker), Newsboys (whose lead singer is also a former DC Talker too), and Jeremy Camp. Are you noticing a theme yet? I have even made an ally of my daughter loving to rock out too. But the difference is that unlike me, Jaycee is not quiet, shy, or slow to warm up to people. She is very outgoing, loves to talk (non-stop sometimes), energetic, excited about almost everything, and bubbly. Raising a child with different personality traits than myself has been a learning experience for me. I don't like to stand out and I will blend in if necessary, but she likes the attention and is very strong willed. While, I don't always understand her personality, I am grateful that she has a strong mind and I am learning so much about her outgoing personality. She can make anyone laugh just when she is around them.
Tonight I just want to say that in "Keepin' It Real" I have been struggling this month. November is the month that I usually dread. Five years ago in November, I had the most heart breaking tragedy happen to me, and I never thought that I would be able to make it past another hour, let alone be sitting where I am 5 years later. Everything stopped for me. Life as I knew it was gone, and I had to try to be someone I wasn't comfortable with. Losing Caden was so very heart breaking and left me feeling so empty and alone inside. I remember just sitting by myself and being sad and crying all the time at the smallest possible things that would trigger the memories of that day when I delivered him. I sat in that hospital room holding my baby for the first time knowing that he wasn't there anymore. My heart ached for the time that I don't get to spend with him and my life felt so empty. I can't even begin to express all of the gamat of feeling that I went through.
Now 5 years later, I still feel that I am expected to be that kind of sad again. I am sad, but not in the way that I once was. I am sad that Caden doesn't see how many lives he has affected by heading straight to heaven and I want to be sad in a joyful way by remembering the things that have happened as a result of him. I keep so much of him with me that I remember him when I see all of the people that I have crossed paths with since losing him. I see him in the new friendships that I have made that never would have been were it not for him going to heaven ahead of me. I remember him everytime I see friends' kids who are the same age as he would have been. I am also so grateful that Caden changed me. There was a time when I didn't want to change because I didn't know that "new" girl. But now I see how much more confidence I have in myself and how much the little things just don't matter in the grand scheme of life. I have also changed by allowing a piece of him to come with me where ever I go. He is with me when my daughter asks if the balloon we are holding is for Caden. He is with me when I see someone hurting and just want to give them a hug, or plate of cookies, or send a card. He is with me when I meet someone new facing a similar situation and see their breaking hearts and just sit with them. He is mostly with me when I am alone with my thoughts and can't seem to sleep.
I think what I am trying to say is that I want to remember Caden, but I am not at that place where I am sad about it as much. God has been so faithful to me and my family and I know that is a direct result of Caden. My view of how much God cares for my family has been amplified so much over these last few years. I would not have been at a place of complete brokeness where all I had and needed was God to fill me, had it not been for losing Caden. While I wish that God could have used something else to get me to where my faith is today, this is how it is, and I am learning to press on towards the heavenly goal and look to the future with hope knowing that in moving forward I am continuing to take Caden with me. That is my prayer for my family.
One last blurb about "keepin it real". I have a wonderful friend that I never would have ever really been close to had it not been for Caden. This person I consider family. Her kids play with mine, and she and her husband are among the few people that we feel we can be completely real with. She accepts me when I am a mess, when I cry, when life is good, and when life is bad. It is people like her that remind me how much Caden has made an impact on other lives besides just mine. I have been so encouraged by the growth that they seen in our spritual lives and I know that I can go to them with anything. Friends like that are hard to find.
So I end by saying that November pretty much just stinks for us, and that is ok. I think it will always be this way and I will always struggle at this time of year. Approach us with lots of love, kindness, and sensitivity this month.
the Ehrlichs
Friday, November 2, 2012
Five Years
Five years ago today, we said hello and good bye to our precious son Caden. It hardly seems like 5 years have passed. There are days that it seems like it just happened, and then there are times when it seems like forever ago.
There are so many memories that we have about that day. So very many of them are not ones that I really want to remember. I don't want to remember the terrible pain I felt after seeing two sonograms showing our baby was already dead. I don't want to remember the physical pain I felt when the doctors tried to induce my labor and only to have it not happen as they were hoping for it to. The process took a whole lot longer than they had hoped it would and being induced was not a positive experience. I don't want to remember the completely empty feeling I felt coming home to a totally made up nursery with no baby to put in that room. I don't want to remember the feeling that I had no idea who I was anymore and I had to get used to a "new" Mira that I didn't even recognize. I don't want to remember the months of grieving and crying and feelings of hopelessness I felt everyday only to be expected to get back to "normal".
Despite all of those things that I remember every year at this time, I have noticed so much growth and God's faithfulness even when things don't work out the way I hope for them to. It is easy to praise God and see how faithful He is when things are going well, but I never knew how incredibly faithful He is when things just don't go the way I think they should. He really does love me and my family and He cries with me. I don't know how I could have ever gone through this experience without knowing that God was with me. Even during the times when I questioned whether God was with me, He showed his faithfulness in real ways to me to show me that He was. My life looks so different than what I ever thought it would and we have been blessed in so many more ways than I could have ever known.
Today, we decided that we were going to do some remembrance things to celebrate Caden and what he meant to us, and then focus on the positive things that have blessed us since losing him. This is the strength that God has given to me to help me cope with losing him. I remember that my friendships changed with several people and that some people that I didn't know well at all have now become some of my closest friends and almost like family. I have shared my story at Glory Babies the support group for people who have had infant death, stillbirth, or miscarriages. Sharing my story has helped keep Caden's memory alive and has helped others see that what they are feeling is completely normal and ok. I learned to like love myself the "new" person that I knew not much about. I have learned so much about the love God has for me and that when it seems like nothing is happening in my life, God is working on my case and hears every cry of my heart. I have learned to be more confident in the person of God He has created me to be. But the most important thing that I have learned is that God's love for me never fails. I may never know why things happen the way they do, but I do know that God is faithful and loves me more dearly than I ever knew. The challenges in my life have developed my faith in ways that go so much deeper than the relationship I had with Him before.
So today I am holding my family a little closer and celebrating with them everything the Lord has provided for us through our grief and loss. I hope that as the days and years continue to move forward, we will see the ways God is providing for us and see how Caden's life has helped our relationship with the Lord grow.
the Ehrlichs
Saturday, December 4, 2010
November
It never ceases to amaze me, but once again, November flew by like a brisk Kansas wind. It came, I had many cries, laughs, memories were made, and now it is gone. I hate to say it, but I am so glad.
November is a time to be thankful, and I am completely thankful for so many things, but it is also a time for me when I think about and miss Caden so much. I wish that he would be able to join us in the festivities and fun times of cooking, meeting those relatives, hanging out with all the aunts and uncles, meeting new cousins, trying to stay cool in a hot grandma's house, and most of all celebrating all of the wonderful things that God has done for us over the year.
Last night, I went to a Remembrance Service that Agape Care Cradle held for the families that they served this year. This was the first time that we were able to go since the year we lost Caden. This was their 4th annual service. It is hard for me to believe that they have been around that long and that we were part of the beginning, when this ministry was started. I hate that there has to be a ministry like this, but I am so thankful that there is. I honestly don't know how I could have healed without them.
Anyway, Tom and I went to this service with the intentions of seeing and talking with Shannon, the lady who walked with us through setting up Caden's memorial. We also just wanted to show our support for what she and her ministry are able to do. We can't show our support in the greatest of financial ways, but we can show up and let her know that she does touches people in a very real way during an extremely difficult time.
During the service, the pastor who spoke shared several things that touched me. He talked about how God has used our babies to give us courage & strength to endure life here on earth without them. I was completely overwhelmed and touched by that, because I see it in my own life. I know that it is by no accident that God used Caden to strengthen me and lean on Him in ways that I never would have before. I also know that the fear that I used to have about the smallest of things are not so huge for me anymore. I also have felt that God has changed my priorities. The things that once seemed so important are small in the grand scheme of things. I guess that is what God has wanted me to see this year. That no matter how much I miss Caden or how sad I start to feel, Caden is always a part of me and God is allowing his spirit to give me strength when I don't think I can go on anymore. As I was listening to the radio this past week, I heard something that really puts my life these past 3 years into perspective. You know that there is a saying or quote that God never gives you more than what you can handle. Well, the person on the radio was saying that God gives us so much that we can't handle it without HIM. That is so true!!!
November started and ended for us with a couple of new additions to our family. On the first of November, Jaycee got a new cousin, Ethan James Walker. Over Thanksgiving break, we got to meet him. He's a cutie, but then again, all babies are. I think that I am just biased a little, because he is my nephew. He has a great mixture of both my brother and Corinne, my soon to be sister in law.
November is a time to be thankful, and I am completely thankful for so many things, but it is also a time for me when I think about and miss Caden so much. I wish that he would be able to join us in the festivities and fun times of cooking, meeting those relatives, hanging out with all the aunts and uncles, meeting new cousins, trying to stay cool in a hot grandma's house, and most of all celebrating all of the wonderful things that God has done for us over the year.
Last night, I went to a Remembrance Service that Agape Care Cradle held for the families that they served this year. This was the first time that we were able to go since the year we lost Caden. This was their 4th annual service. It is hard for me to believe that they have been around that long and that we were part of the beginning, when this ministry was started. I hate that there has to be a ministry like this, but I am so thankful that there is. I honestly don't know how I could have healed without them.
Anyway, Tom and I went to this service with the intentions of seeing and talking with Shannon, the lady who walked with us through setting up Caden's memorial. We also just wanted to show our support for what she and her ministry are able to do. We can't show our support in the greatest of financial ways, but we can show up and let her know that she does touches people in a very real way during an extremely difficult time.
During the service, the pastor who spoke shared several things that touched me. He talked about how God has used our babies to give us courage & strength to endure life here on earth without them. I was completely overwhelmed and touched by that, because I see it in my own life. I know that it is by no accident that God used Caden to strengthen me and lean on Him in ways that I never would have before. I also know that the fear that I used to have about the smallest of things are not so huge for me anymore. I also have felt that God has changed my priorities. The things that once seemed so important are small in the grand scheme of things. I guess that is what God has wanted me to see this year. That no matter how much I miss Caden or how sad I start to feel, Caden is always a part of me and God is allowing his spirit to give me strength when I don't think I can go on anymore. As I was listening to the radio this past week, I heard something that really puts my life these past 3 years into perspective. You know that there is a saying or quote that God never gives you more than what you can handle. Well, the person on the radio was saying that God gives us so much that we can't handle it without HIM. That is so true!!!
******************************************************************************
November started and ended for us with a couple of new additions to our family. On the first of November, Jaycee got a new cousin, Ethan James Walker. Over Thanksgiving break, we got to meet him. He's a cutie, but then again, all babies are. I think that I am just biased a little, because he is my nephew. He has a great mixture of both my brother and Corinne, my soon to be sister in law.
It was so fun for me, because it is hard for me to believe that just about a year ago, Jaycee was that small. My how the time flies. My brother and Corinne live in Lawrence, and I hope that we will get to see a lot of them as Ethan grows up. Jaycee really didn't pay much attention to him unless he was crying. She had a concerned look on her face when she heard him cry. Maybe that means that she is going to have a caring heart. I pray!!! Anyways, it was good to meet him and shower him with gifts. We got him some little board books, a giftcard (mostly for diapers), and some old clothes that were given to us right before we lost Caden. It is nice to know that they will be put to good use.
My baby brother Brandon & my new nephew
Ethan James Walker
November also ended with Jaycee getting a new cousin. My other brother Caleb and his wife Casey had a little girl, Eloise Anne Walker. They live in the Chicago area, so we haven't had a chance to meet her yet, but I am definitely going to be sending up some of Jaycee's clothes for her to wear. My brother has a little boy Everett, who is just 2 months older than Jaycee, so he doesn't have much in the way of girly things. It is fun to shop for another girl. Hopefully she will like some of Jaycee's hand-me-downs. I can't wait to see pictures of her to come soon.
*************************************************************************************
We got to do so many things in November that I couldn't capture them all, but here are some of my favorites. Like a dingleberry, I didn't capture all the moments on camera, b/c I was trying to participate, but here is what I did get.
I got the bright idea of trying to make a Thanksgiving card with Jaycee. You know the one with the handprint and feathers. Yeah it was great fun!!!
Tom's aunt gave us this super fun table, and I decided to try to do some crafts with Jaycee.
Super fun!!!
Tearing paper.
One of Jaycee's favorite things to do.
Here is the finished product.
We gave these to Jaycee's grandma Walker & great grandma Froese.
Thanksgiving dinner at great grandma Froese's house.
These are my cousins kids, Martin and Thomas.
Jaycee thought that she was big enough to feed herself too. Oh boy!!!
Fun Times with Mollie!!!
Our dog Mollie doesn't get as much attention as she used to, but we are trying to adjust and balance her and Jaycee's need together. It is sometimes like having 2 kids, but Mollie is a little better at listening than Jaycee.
They are getting used to each other.
They both give each other kisses.
How sweet!!!
Mollie still just tolerates Jaycee, but loves it when Jaycee drops food for her.
I think Mollie gets the better end of the deal.
Jaycee loves her and chases her all over the place.
Well, we look forward to celebrating what December and the Christmas season is really all about Christ's birth. I can't wait to see what is in store for us this year. There is never a dull moment around here. See ya soon!!!
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