This week I'm 33 weeks along. That means only 7 weeks left until we get to meet this new little guy. While I'm excited about the arrival of another little one in our lives, I'm also reminded about another time when we were expecting a little boy to come into our lives. I was 33 weeks along when we found out that Caden would be delivered stillborn. The details of that awful day still stick with me from time to time and I imagine that they always will.
My anxiety has been all over the place, but I am reminded that God has a special place for me and for this baby and for Caden to be quite honest. I am reminded that Caden is up in heaven holding and preparing a place for when we can meet him. That thought makes me both cheerful and tearful all at the same time. I can't know what life may have been like had things turned out in a different way. All I know is that this is the path that was laid out before me and I had to walk it rather roughly. I'm not quite sure some days if I walked it well, or even if I still do walk it well. I do know that the pain is not so much in my face like it used to be and that I think of all the good that has come as a result of that terrible day.
This summer I started a Bible study called, Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted. I'm not really sure yet what God may be doing to interrupt my life right now, but 5 years ago after losing Caden, I definitely sensed that God interrupted my life. Now I'm not sure if the author of the study is meaning that kind of interruption, but for my life that is what it is meaning to me. My life was so horribly interrupted, that I wasn't sure I could even live at times!!!
Now, 5 years later, I think God is showing me what He brought me through after Caden was stillborn. Yes, my life was interrupted from what I had imagined it would be, but it was also interrupted divinely through how God allowed me to trust Him more than I had ever had to before. I changed in ways that I really didn't want to, but had to b/c I didn't want this period of grief to be wasted on things that didn't matter. I learned so much more about myself than I ever knew was possible, and I became much stronger in my faith than I realized was possible. God showed me peace!!! The kind of peace that only comes from divine interruptions that God allows to be placed in our lives. I became less fearful of the world and all of its imperfections and difficulties, and started to look at how God could use me to shed light on dark situations and circumstances. I've met people that I never would have met, been open about parts of my life that I was so uncomfortable sharing, placed myself in positions that would have ordinarily caused me great fear, and most of all placed all of my fears in God's hands. You can't know how peaceful that has made my life!!!
God didn't change anything about my life circumstances, but He did show a side of Himself to me that I had not seen up to that point. He showed me how much I mean to Him even in the middle of my deepest grief. He showed me how much I can TRUST Him in everything even when it doesn't make sense to me. He showed me that my plans for my life can be altered and that He had a better plan with results that lead to a heavenly goal and not just a goal for me here on earth. Most of all He showed me His tender love for a girl (still have a hard time calling myself a woman) who was so sensitive and lost and wanting to hide from it all, that my life did have value and He would reveal that to me when it was needed.
Several verses gave me such great comfort during that painful couple of years, that I think I will end by sharing them with you. And I know a lot of friends and family are praying for us this week and I have really felt the presence of God covering me so far this week. Thanks for praying for us!!!
Verses of Comfort:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever.
For I know that plans I have for you; declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.