Wednesday, March 27, 2013
So, you probably know from my last post that we are having a boy!!! As fun and exciting as that is, I am finding it really hard to allow myself to be excited. Having a boy is amazing for our family, but it is also bringing up lots of memories of Caden.
I have been thinking about Caden alot lately. Having another boy makes me a little anxious. I know that anxious thoughts are not from the Lord, but for some reason, I still feel a little anxious about it. I am also finding it hard to be excited about another boy. For some reason, when we were going to have Jaycee, things seemed completely different and new and I was excited and ready to put my heart out there again. This time, I find it hard to completely put my heart on the line. I am guardily excited. Happy about hopefully having a boy part of our lives, but still protective of having my heart ripped apart.
Guarding my heart right now is the best that I can do for myself. I have had several people ask me if I'm excited, and I really don't know how to answer that question. I was excited that I was even pregnant in the first place, but to be having another boy brings about a whole gammut of emotions that I didn't really think I'd have.
I have been reading Genesis a lot this year. What I've learned so far is how much God wants me to trust Him and His plan for my life. I'm not really sure what that is, but living everyday to glorify Him with the little things in my life is quite a start. I don't always get things right, and I fail miserably all too often, but right now I am learning to trust God with the small things. My anxieties about being pregnant this time around fall right up there. I mainly just want him to be healthy throughout the time I'm pregnant as well as making it here on earth safely. I know that may sound a little weird, but right now it is where I'm at. I pray that sometime God will give me the courage to go ahead and plan for this baby to make it here safely, but right now I just feel like I'm on hold until he arrives and then I will make plans. That is not normally how I work, I like to be organized, but I also am really needing to protect myself.
I wonder how I can trust God with the deepest part of my heart and still know that whatever may happen will be in His will, while guarding my heart and yet allowing myself to be excited about a new little boy joining us. I guess I need to keep taking these things to God and allowing Him to teach me what He wants me to learn from this experience and when I do feel like being excited to embrace it and when I'm not quite sure about it, to be ok with that too.