Sunday, September 23, 2012
Well, I'm not quite sure how to share this, but I will do my best. I just want to say that lately I have been a little sad. At first I didn't know what in the world could possibly make me feel sad. My life was taking a new turn, and there have been some major adjustments, but nothing that I felt was too overwhelming. The summer came quickly and once it hit, we were off and running. We had a lot of things going on and projects that we wanted to get accomplished. I think that I loved that sense of accomplishing something and that I knew I would be able to see the results of the projects we were working on.
I also had a lot of time to spend with Jaycee. She has been such a huge blessing to our lives. I thought that after losing Caden I would never truly be joyful again, but somehow and someway, I have been able to get a little of that from just being part of Jaycee's life. She does have her moments and even days. She has a genetic disposition to being stubborn, and it doesn't help that both of her parents have the same disposition too. So naturally that trait flares up quite often with her and it is one of those parenting moments where you wish you could just crawl under a rock. But eventually those times pass, and I even am able to forget that she has that quality about her until it flares up again.
Taking a trip to California was a dream to me. I hadn't been back there since I was 16. Seeing Los Angeles through a 30 something year old's eyes is a lot different than seeing it through my naive 16 year old eyes. Also having a 2 year old with us made it a different sort of trip. Having my parents there to occupy and help with some of the tantrums Jaycee had made the parenting load easier too. This trip helped me see how beautiful our world is and just how much I want to see more of it. Traveling has been great for us and we always seem to find inexpensive things to do and ways to travel. I am so thankful that we get that opportunity.
When we got back from our trip, I thought things would slow down, and they did for only a bit. We had birthday parties, then school started (at least for Tom), and Jaycee and I were trying to find our groove and new routine. It wasn't until just about a couple of weeks ago that I began to feel really sad. I kept asking myself "Why?" It just didn't make sense. I was staying home with my daughter, I was involved with some activities that we both could attend. I was going to start going to a Bible study, and I was helping out at church a little more. What could possibly make me sad? It was shortly after reading an email from a friend about how life sometimes gets in the way of some of the really important things, that I began to realize what was really the root of my sadness.
At the end of the school year last year, I decided to stay home with Jaycee, but not only was I planning on staying home with her, we thought we were going to have another member join our family. It made me a little scared, but also very much at peace with God's plan. Just before our trip to California, I found out that I had a very early miscarriage, but my body continued to produce hormones as if I was still pregnant. It is called a chemical pregnancy. I had never heard of this before, and thought that I must be the strangest person in the whole entire world for this to happen to me.
It was when I was technically 11 weeks pregnant that this discovery was made. To say that I was disappointed was an understatement. All of the emotions from losing Caden came flooding back and I just didn't know how to handle it. So what did I do. I buried it and tried my hardest to move forward for my daughter, husband, and family. I wasn't going to let this be a setback in my life. For a while I did really well, and felt that things would really and truly be OK. Phycically my Drs. said everything was fine and that I just had to get back to normal which could take a little time. I opted to not have surgery where they would clean out my body from the miscarriage, but decided that I would heal faster if I just let nature take its course. And it did. Most of it happened while we were on our trip and I was terrified, but was given lots of medication for the pain and just continued to enjoy the trip as best as I could.
When we got back things didn't slow down and that may have been a good thing. But now that I have time and my life is a little slower, I find myself being really sad. This time it is a different kind of loss, and I don't know how to deal with it. I find myself crying b/c I thought that things would be different right now and that we would be preparing for another child to enter our lives. I find myself thinking, "Why did this have to happen again?" "Haven't I been through enough?" I also find myself thinking that I must have done something to make God angry. So what do I do, I drown my sorrows in things that will take my mind off of that pain. And for a while they do, but then the feelings come up all over again and I dont' think that I am handling that so well. But I also begin to think that it hasn't been that long ago, and it is ok to allow myself some grace. I also know in my head that God is not angry with me. I think that my perception of God is beginning to change. I have always thought of Him as waiting for me to make a mistake and pound me with bad stuff, which I definitely deserve, but I am starting to realize that He isn't that way and just b/c I am going through another difficult season of sadness that doesn't mean He doesn't care about me. In fact it is the opposite. He is trying to draw me closer to him, but while I think to protect my heart by burying my feelings, He is reaching out to me. I wish that I could see those things more clearly earlier on, so that I do draw on His strength when I feel lost.
This is a subject that I never wanted to talk about and am a little scared that I am even sharing it right now. But I started this blog when my whole world was crushed and God has blessed me through His insights and new friends along the way. This blog was a huge part of my healing process after losing Caden, that I thought it would help in this instance too. I don't know why things have to happen the way they do and why some things work out while others don't, but I do know that God is watching out for me and holding me close even when it hurts and when things get hard. I continue to pray for clarity and hope that He will deliver me from such a burden that I was not meant to carry alone.