It's been a tough couple of weeks for me emotionally. What I had planned for myself to be doing these days just isn't happening. I have found myself crying a lot these days and I keep wondering why? I thought that I would be in a different place than where I am at right now. This grief thing is tough!!!
I have been dealing with a lot of guilt lately. Some of it is completely random and I have no idea where it came from and then some of it is reminders back to when I delivered Caden. My guilt that stems from that moment has been on my mind a lot lately!!! I remember how much of a failure I felt at that time, and still feel that way. As I was telling a friend today, I remember back then feeling like my body failed me, I failed to have a successful pregancy, and I was just a failure at handling grief the "right" way. Today, I find myself still feeling some of that. My failure stems from other things today though. I feel like I have failed at knowing how to openly and honestly bring my grief with me without bumming out those around me. I don't want to be sad anymore, but I just can't help it sometimes. I want to be happier, I don't want to cry all the time, I want to laugh, and not sit around and think about sad stuff, but this is what I do. I am so concerned with wanting people to see that I am ok, that sometimes I just put on a brave face that isn't real. If there is anything that I have learned in the last couple of weeks is that I want to be real. I have a hard time with it. I don't always know how to do it. I can't see myself from any other perspective but my own. I can't see how much I have grown through this experience. I am so afraid that if I am really real and let people see me crying that they won't want me around. In my head I keep thinking that I should be better at this by now. I have had 3 years to work on these things. I wish I knew how to let myself be me, whoever that is and that it will be good enough. I never feel like I am good enough for anything.
I know in my head that these things are not true and that Satan is really working on my last nerve these days!!! It still doesn't make those feelings of failure go away. I am so hard on myself and think that I have to react in such a way that pleases everyone, even if it is not my place to do so. That is just how I am built I guess. It is annoying sometimes. I know that there will never be any way that I can do that, but I feel like a failure when I have a hard time with things people say, or how I think about a person be it nice or not. I alway end up feeling bad about it, when I know that it really is OK to feel that way. I am my own worst critic and it is hard to live with myself sometimes. I wish that I could give myself a break and just be.
That is what I am working on. God and I need to spend a lot more time together so He can show me the truth. Until then I guess I will give myself permission to cry, think, and grieve in whatever way I need to, and that will have to be good enough.
Despite all of this, I have been keeping myself pretty busy. This weekend I got the chance to make over 100 cupcakes for a friends bridal shower on Sunday. If you don't know already, I really love being creative with things like that and it gives me something to do for somebody else. I had a lot of fun, and cupcakes are a lot easier to decorate than cakes. You may want to visit here to see what I am talking about. Here are two cupcakes that I managed to save from the party. It was a lot of fun and I really hope that my friend had a great time. It was a good distraction from everything else in my life, and gave me something to feel proud of.