Sunday, November 7, 2010
Tears, Saddness, Forgotten, & Alone
This past week was really hard for us. I found myself swept up in waves and waves of saddness at various times throughout the week. I couldn't even catch up with it. My saddness overtook me many times this week and I found myself crying at what seemed to me to be really odd times, but the tears just would not stop. I kept asking myself why?
This morning I had some time to just sit in a quiet house and think. I started to realize that this time of the year is still so fresh in my mind what Tom and I went through 3 years ago. I still see and hear all the sights and sounds of what happened to us back then. Today was Sunday and it was 3 years ago today that we had to leave the hospital without our son. I haven't had a really good cry in a while until this morning and every part of me wanted to skip church and forget about life today. But I didn't. Last week our pastor had such a good sermon that really spoke to me and I wanted to hear more. I really think that God is talking to me about a lot of things lately and I wait patiently for specific answers to my prayers and questions.
"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure and lovely, whatever is admirable and excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things." Phillipians 4:8 This verse is what I clung to when I had the worst times of saddness, feeling worthless as a person, and plain not knowing how to react to harsh but well-intentioned words. It was a time in my life when I felt like I was all alone. Lately, I have earnestly been trying to cling to it again to know that my pain is not going to last forever and that God has things in store for me beyond what I can even think of right now. But, I find myself thinking about how badly hurt, alone, and forgotten I feel.
This last week brought back so much pain and memories that are so vivid and real to me. I was thinking back to 3 years ago when we lost Caden, we had to step out of our comfort zones so much and ask people for help even when we didn't want to. I guess I was kind of hoping that the closest people to us who were right therewith us back then during our pain would also try to reach out, at least in a small way to comfort us and encourage us this week. I am greatly saddened that we were pretty much left alone this week. I know that not many people can ever understand what we are going through and I wish that no one ever has to, but it hurts me that we weren't remembered much this week. We both really needed a shoulder to lean on this week and just felt blah. It really hurts and I wonder sometimes if people are afraid to get to close to us because our pain might rub off. I am sure that is not it, but that thought crosses my mind more than I am ever willing to admit.
As I am trying to sort out exactly how I feel I know that I need to keep thinking about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praisworthy. I know that the God of peace will be with me. I wish I knew exactly what to do right now. My instincts are to hide out until I don't feel like this anymore because I don't feel like being around people when I am disappointed, alone, hurt and sad so much. I know that not everybody needs someone who is dealing with this in their lives at happy moments. I also don't want to burden anyone with my load, people have enough of their own things on their plates to deal with without us. I just wish I felt like I had someone to turn to right now.
I know that God will get us through this and that we will learn and grow through this. I sometimes wish that I didn't have to go through such pain and saddness to grow. But if that is what it takes to allow God to work in my life, then I will surrender to it and will do the best that we can to grow and learn and help others so that they don't have to be alone too.
Thanks for listening to what's been on my heart lately.