Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Weekend

This past weekend was pretty hard for me. First I went to my sister-in-law's baby shower, and while I am very happy for them, it made for a very emotional weekend. I made a blanket for them like I have been doing for just about everyone who has had a baby since we lost Caden. I think that it is one way that I don't have to go to the baby stores and look at all the things that I never got to have for my own child. I also feel a sense of pride that those blankets are going to keep their baby warm and I had something to do with it.


I don't know if I have shared with you much, but I really have a hard time with baby showers. Since I am pregnant again, I thought maybe I would feel differently and could enjoy them a bit, but still there is a scar there as 2 of our baby showers were planned for the weekend that we lost Caden. I think that I am reminded of that every time I attend a baby shower. So that was such a tough thing to do, but somehow God brought me through it. I did cry a lot right after and had to wait a while until I could leave to go. I was talking with my mom and trying to explain that even though I am pregnant again, the scars are still there and things are different for me now. I still get reminded of that day in the hospital when I got to hold Caden for the last time and we were not able to bring him home. I keep holding onto hope that this baby will be ok and that he or she will be completely healthy, but that doesn't mean that I don't still have scars from losing Caden. I feel somtimes like I am supposed to be "all better" now that I am pregnant again. I really don't think that there is an "all better." There is only me right here and right now and sometimes things like baby showers are always going to leave a little scar in my heart.


On Sunday was Mother's Day. I didn't have the strength or energy to do anything really exciting this year. I gave my own mom a card and let her know that I hope she can do something for herself that day, but I really feel like crawling under a rock on Mother's Day. I tried to focus on my own mother last year, and that turned into a crazy time with some of my in-laws. This year, I just wanted the day to be over. I feel absolutely invisible on that day. I know in my heart I am a mom and that hopefully Caden would have grown up to be so happy and healthy, but I just feel like I don't exist on that day. The best thing that happened to me that day was that a wonderful friend of mine sent me a very unique Mother's Day card and let me know that I am a mom. That was probably the best thing that happened to me this weekend. It made me feel relevant as a mother and that there still is someone that cares and acknowledges that I am a mom even though my child is not here physically.

I was talking with a friend on Friday telling her about how much I was kind of dreading the weekend, and she made me think that hopefully next year I will feel differently about these things, baby showers & Mother's Day. She also called me to see what I was doing on Sunday. It was such a nice surprise to know that 2 people besides Tom (he made me breakfast in bed and took me to a movie) heard me and tried to understand how difficult this weekend was for me.

I do hope that I can feel differently about these things in the future and that this new baby will bring so much hope into Tom and my lives. I have prayed so hard for him or her to just be healthy and make it safely into this world. I really don't know what else to do after that, but I am sure I will learn. My whole theme for this pregnancy is to just pray continually and to let my cares float away and allow God to drive the car of my life.


3 comments:

Courtm said...

Love your honesty! You are such an amazing person! Remember you are Blessed and Highly Favored!

Carla said...

I just wandered over here from the baby loss directory. I'm so glad I did. Mothers day is a tough one when you've recently lost a baby...even when you are pregnant again. I hope someone recognised that you are indeed a mother. A mother of 2 precious little souls. That deserves to be celebrated this year. I look forward to popping in once in a while as you await your newest little blessing.

Emily said...

I found you from BabyLoss Directory- thanks for sharing your story with us. It helps to know we are not alone. ((hugs)) Emily from Stepping Stones