Tuesday, May 12, 2009


This past weekend was pretty hard for me. First I went to my sister-in-law's baby shower, and while I am very happy for them, it made for a very emotional weekend. I made a blanket for them like I have been doing for just about everyone who has had a baby since we lost Caden. I think that it is one way that I don't have to go to the baby stores and look at all the things that I never got to have for my own child. I also feel a sense of pride that those blankets are going to keep their baby warm and I had something to do with it.

I don't know if I have shared with you much, but I really have a hard time with baby showers. Since I am pregnant again, I thought maybe I would feel differently and could enjoy them a bit, but still there is a scar there as 2 of our baby showers were planned for the weekend that we lost Caden. I think that I am reminded of that every time I attend a baby shower. So that was such a tough thing to do, but somehow God brought me through it. I did cry a lot right after and had to wait a while until I could leave to go. I was talking with my mom and trying to explain that even though I am pregnant again, the scars are still there and things are different for me now. I still get reminded of that day in the hospital when I got to hold Caden for the last time and we were not able to bring him home. I keep holding onto hope that this baby will be ok and that he or she will be completely healthy, but that doesn't mean that I don't still have scars from losing Caden. I feel somtimes like I am supposed to be "all better" now that I am pregnant again. I really don't think that there is an "all better." There is only me right here and right now and sometimes things like baby showers are always going to leave a little scar in my heart.

On Sunday was Mother's Day. I didn't have the strength or energy to do anything really exciting this year. I gave my own mom a card and let her know that I hope she can do something for herself that day, but I really feel like crawling under a rock on Mother's Day. I tried to focus on my own mother last year, and that turned into a crazy time with some of my in-laws. This year, I just wanted the day to be over. I feel absolutely invisible on that day. I know in my heart I am a mom and that hopefully Caden would have grown up to be so happy and healthy, but I just feel like I don't exist on that day. The best thing that happened to me that day was that a wonderful friend of mine sent me a very unique Mother's Day card and let me know that I am a mom. That was probably the best thing that happened to me this weekend. It made me feel relevant as a mother and that there still is someone that cares and acknowledges that I am a mom even though my child is not here physically.

I was talking with a friend on Friday telling her about how much I was kind of dreading the weekend, and she made me think that hopefully next year I will feel differently about these things, baby showers & Mother's Day. She also called me to see what I was doing on Sunday. It was such a nice surprise to know that 2 people besides Tom (he made me breakfast in bed and took me to a movie) heard me and tried to understand how difficult this weekend was for me.

I do hope that I can feel differently about these things in the future and that this new baby will bring so much hope into Tom and my lives. I have prayed so hard for him or her to just be healthy and make it safely into this world. I really don't know what else to do after that, but I am sure I will learn. My whole theme for this pregnancy is to just pray continually and to let my cares float away and allow God to drive the car of my life.


Courtm said...

Love your honesty! You are such an amazing person! Remember you are Blessed and Highly Favored!

Carla said...

I just wandered over here from the baby loss directory. I'm so glad I did. Mothers day is a tough one when you've recently lost a baby...even when you are pregnant again. I hope someone recognised that you are indeed a mother. A mother of 2 precious little souls. That deserves to be celebrated this year. I look forward to popping in once in a while as you await your newest little blessing.

Emily said...

I found you from BabyLoss Directory- thanks for sharing your story with us. It helps to know we are not alone. ((hugs)) Emily from Stepping Stones