Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Anxious Thoughts

Today was cold and rainy all day. It made me kind of sad. I wished that I could have been out in the sun enjoying the day. Instead I was sending emails and cleaning house and unloading the dishwasher which I absolutely hate. I don't know why that is my most dreaded job, but I just don't like to do it.

Anyway, I thought that I would share some things that have been on my mind lately. Since I am pregnant again, I have had an amazing peace that I know for a fact only comes from God. There is NO way that I could get to this place of peace by myself. Well, in the last week or two I have felt more anxious than I have during this entire pregnancy. At first I thought that it was just me and that I needed to just pray and read my Bible and ask God for more peace. I thought that I wasn't praying hard enough or digging into God's word enough. I know that I probably could never do enough of that, but to be so anxious the last two weeks was unusual for even me.

I had a long talk with Tom and told him that I was needing some
Words of Affirmation. If you have ever read the book "The Five Love Languages" than you know what I mean. I had been feeling really good about being pregnant again, not too many anxieties, worries, or needing to go to the doctor which I thought would happen all the time. Then in the last two weeks I have been bombarded with lots of negativity. First I was on the phone with someone who knows me pretty well and I expressed how baby showers are still a struggle for me, but I am going regardless of how I feel sometimes. This person just made me feel like I was just being ridiculous and that this next pregnancy will be perfect. It also made me feel like since I am pregnant again, everything (those feelings of doubt, anxiety, and losing Caden all over again, changes in me, my life) would just go back to normal and that I would be the OLD Mira again. While I understand the meaning and good intentions behind what was said, I thought that is was pretty insensitive and hurtful. I don't quite know how to take some of that. It made me feel like a failure all over again b/c I am not the me that this person wants me to be. I wish that I could help this person understand that I am never going to be that same Mira again and I wish they could just love me for who I am today.

Along those lines, I had some comments made to me at work about how I am not gaining weight, that I have a lot of changes coming up at work, that things will be just fine, or if you just relax things will be ok, etc. Don't get me wrong, my work has been so very supportive of Tom and me. But the last week really upset me and made me super anxious about the health of this baby. My doctor and nurse practitioners told me a long time ago that I could come in on Fridays for a heartbeat check if I felt particular anxious, and I felt so greatful for just the thought that I could do that, but hadn't felt the need since I couldn't feel any movements yet and my appts. were every 2 weeks anyways. The 2 week thing was really working for me. But as I made the phone call to the Dr. office, I felt like a failure again b/c I needed help or at least reassurance that I and the baby were ok. Those thoughts that I kept praying would go away never did. I know in my heart that it doesn't make me a failure, but at the time that is how I felt.

I guess that I am really needing reassurances from my friends, family, and anyone who can somewhat relate to my experience. The peace that I am praying will stay with me and the anxiousness that I have not had are starting to come as I am feeling movements. I don't know if that is normal, but I get scared and when I hear comments or just am told about any thing negative about pregnancy, I start thinking about the bad things that could happen all over again. I don't need that. Believe me I absolutely know the
BAD things that can happen during pregnancy. I lived through them. Not only did I live through the BAD things that can happen during a pregnancy, but also the BAD things that could have happened to me as well. I was never really told this while I was in the hospital, but there was a lot of fear that they would lose me too. I am kind of glad that I didn't know that until later. That would have been absolutely horrible for Tom.

I am saying all of this to say this. Life for me is scary enough without being told what could or should or isn't happening. I somewhat know what to expect and just want to have a healthy baby that we can raise to love the Lord and that we can love ourselves. I need reassurances that I myself am doing an ok job of not being so anxious, stressed out, and scared. Believe me I do have those times, but not as often as you may think. Words of encouragement when you see that I handled a tough situation well, or that I seem to have something special about me that day are great to hear and really help me cope with the changes that I will be facing, but I am honestly looking forward to those. I really want to keep the peace and calmness that I have felt lately going on within me, and need your help and prayers. If all you do is pray, that is good enough for me.

Thanks for listening to me and sharing in my ongoing journey through unknown waters.


Marc, Sarah, and Luke said...

Hi Mira -- It's me again. I left some comments on your last post. I am a friend of Kendall & Joel Smith's. Though I cannot relate to your's and Tom's experience of losing Caden, I can relate to a miscarriage. Our little boy, Luke, was my second pregnancy. Looking back, I too can see that I am a completely different person than I used to be, and I truly believe God used our infertility (we also went through that) and miscarriage to help shape me into who He ultimately wants me to be. I DO COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND how people's seemingly well-meaning comments can be hurtful to you. I have been through that, and often times, I didn't take them well. I too can COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND about being anxious about this pregnancy. I too was very anxious during most of my pregnancy with Luke. Looking back, I don't honestly think I had a sense of peace about my pregnancy until around 32 (or so) weeks. I can even remember, when we did tell people about my pregnancy, I didn't tell anybody with a "thrilling heart." I was too anxious. Paul, in Philippians, tells us "not to be anxious about anything and to give it all to God." (I paraphrased). Anyways, thanks again for writing an honest post. I understand what you're saying through a similar, but different, circumstance in our lives. Kendall knows my number if you ever feel like talking to me. Sarah Friesen

Beth said...

Hi Mira,

I understand too, and send only positive thoughts and prayers your way. I don't always have time to stop and visit at work, but maybe we can find time just to check in this week? I'd like to talk about getting together once school is out to maybe brainstorm and work on your painting/room design project! Beth

PamperingBeki said...

I think your feelings are perfectly normal and I can't imagine NOT being scared or anxious at times throughout this pregnancy.

I've lost three babies, each in the second trimester. I didn't make it as far at you did with Caden, so I know my losses were different, but still a loss.

With my last pregnancy my dr. (Bradley) loaned me a doppler to keep at home so I could check the heartbeat anytime I wanted. Given your history, your doctor might be willing to do something like that as well.

I hate to say it, but I was numb throughout my entire last pregnancy. I had put up a wall and never let myself get too attached to the baby because I just knew what would happen again. It wasn't until the moment that he was born that the wall crumbled and I cried like I've never cried in my life. 9 (10)months of stress, worry, and tension all melted away in a second.

God is in control. And even when we do all the "right" things, He is still in control. He makes the decisions. I don't always like it, but that's the way it goes. ;-)

I feel confident that this baby will arrive safely and bring you YEARS and years of joy. I will pray for that peace to continue with you.

Happy Mother's Day!!!