Tom and I have been reading through a Bible study called Experiencing God for the last couple of months. It has been one of the best things we have ever done. There is so much in this book that we have learned about ourselves and about God. God has allowed us to be so blessed by His spirit since starting this study. One of the things that has just really impacted me through this study is how I have seen God at work in the past and how I view that now. I truly do believe that God has worked out a lot of things in my life in a completely different way than I had planned them to be. This is exactly what this study has been about. It is not about praying God's will for what I want, but rather seeing where God is working and being open to adjusting to His will and to obey Him as a result. One phrase that I continue to remember is "You cannot stay where you are and go with God." This could be taken literally, or figuratively, but what I believe it to mean is that in order to grow I have to change. Those changes could be in many different areas of life, and I need to be open to adjusting to what God where and when God wants to use me.
One of the things that I had hoped and prayed for after losing Caden is that the whole experience would not be wasted and that my faith would show. I often wonder if that has happened some days especially after 4 years have passed, and it has been easy to let life kind of sweep me up in all of its busyness. I so badly wanted Caden to be remembered by all that I wanted to jump into keeping his memory alive and making an impact on others. I think that some of my efforts for for my benefit and not completely for the right reasons. But God is good and He accepts that about me. When we were in the deep heart of our grief, we attended a support group at Central Christian Church called Glory Babies. This was one of the best things we did to heal and share with others who had somewhat of an understanding of how we felt.
While I hate that a support group like this has to even exist, I am so grateful that it does. As I have met several different people since losing Caden, the same thought keeps coming to my mind is that many people don't think they have any place to share how this type of loss has impacted them. Also many people feel so alone are changing in ways that they can't even understand. And believe me a loss like that will change you forever. It is heartbreaking to me to hear that. I have really had to open myself up in different ways then even I knew I could and it has made me a different person. Some people have liked that and others have not. That is really hard to take sometimes.
I share all of this to say that this weekend Tom and I had the opportunity to share our story again with a couple who recently lost two babies. I had been praying that God would use our losing Caden to bring encouragement to someone else. I got a phone call a couple of weeks ago from one of the ladies who runs Glory Babies, and she mentioned that Tom and I would be great people to support this couple. I was humbled and honored that she thought of us in to minister to them. It is an honor though that I wish I didn't have to do. My prayer is that something we shared would bring hope, healing, and encouragement to that couple as they walk this long road of grief of losing a child.
I just wanted to share with you that God is working all around and He wants to use all of us. I believe that for me at least He has been waiting for me to obey Him in the small things so that He can entrust me in the bigger things. I also think that my focus has changed instead of putting God in a box and saying you can work right here, I am opening up myself to where He is working and adjusting my life and plans to what He is doing. Such a tough lesson to learn, but a very powerful one. I still have my moments where I slip up and I daily have to turn those things that I want over to God, but He has worked really hard on me lately, and I really am glad for it has shown me so much more of who He is.