Monday, December 21, 2009

This Time of Year

It used to be that I hated this time of year. Celebrating was one of the last things that I had wanted to do for the last couple of years. Yeah I know that this holiday is not about me, but about Jesus coming to this earth and dying for me so that I could be whole and live forever with God. But there is something about missing Caden that just made me want to do things completely different for the last 2 years. I fought with myself about how to go about doing that. Tom and I were just trying to keep our heads above water and not drown in our sorrow. Maybe we didn't see that Jesus was really holding us closely at that time.

Many things about Christmas are not the same for me as they used to be. The hustle and bustle and crazy drivers who seem to think that the road is made for them only is not what I find myself dwelling on these days (well maybe a little, it's hard not to). I feel that lately I want to create traditions for our family that are hopeful and filled with thankfullness, because we really do have much to be thankful for. I don't know if I could have made it through these last 2 years had it not been for some very wonderful people who allowed us to be us, the us that we were at that time.

Just this morning, Tom and I had some much needed quiet time with each other while Jaycee was sleeping. We talked about how sharing and talking with each other is harder now b/c we are tired a lot, and don't have as much time to spend with each other as we had been doing before. We decided that we needed to make it a point to have quality time with each other on a regular basis so that we can continue to grow as a couple. We also read a devotional which today's topic was about forgiveness. I must say that forgiveness does not come easy. During the time when we lost Caden and were just so overwhelmed by absolutely everything, many hurtful things were said to us by people who probably don't even know how much pain it really caused. It was and sometimes still is a daily battle to let some of that go. Our situation had been tragically altered and we were trying to seek God for answers and guidance. A lot of times I felt as if God was silent, or I was so completely taken with grief that I couldn't hear Him. When I finally decided to listen to Him, I knew that I needed to make some changes in my life and I needed to forgive the people who told me that I needed to be fixed.

As we were reading this morning, I realized that I may have forgiven some of those people, but I never have forgotten what happened. I think that part of forgiveness is to forget what it was that broke the relationship in the first place. So my questions is this, How do I forget about these deep hurts and not look at that person and feel pain? I write this b/c I have moved forward with my life and have made some changes in my life. Many of these changes were necessary for me to heal and be renewed and hopeful again. I want to say right now that I will do my best to try to forgive & forget, but I can't do it in my own strength. I ask God to help me daily to not feel pain when I see people and to just live my life with what I have been given right now.

I want to end with saying this. During our most darkest days, there were many people who supported us and loved us and never let us feel like we needed to be fixed. They allowed us to be completely vulnerable and let us know that where we were at as people was ok. I want to say a special thanks to an awesome couple, I will call them the W's. They came over and just sat in our living room with us, they called us often (and still do from time to time), they let us know that we could cry with them and it was ok. To them I say THANK YOU. They also let us know that changing was ok too and that they were still going to be there for us.

I also want to say thanks to my parents who supported us in many other ways. Whether it was helping with our garden, calling us every week, sharing with us on Caden's day, or whatever. They really showed me that when bad things happen, I really could be a mess.

There are two other groups that helped us out a lot, Glory Babies a support group at Central Christian Church. We felt like we had a place to belong again, even though it was not a place anyone would want to belong to. I also thank my Monday Night Bible Study. Some of the girls I don't know as well, but they really stepped up and I grew closer with a couple of them.

We are stronger people through all of our experiences, but mostly b/c God never left us and revealed His love for us in a way I have never known before. He placed people in our path at the exact right moment for a reason.

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