Just last night I was in a Bible study with some very dear friends. Our topic was waiting. I never realized that really we do have to wait so much for things. Whether it is a job, buying a house, relationships, wanting to have a baby, or even the good things like a trip or a much deserved vacation. Whatever it is, God has a purpose and a reason for us to wait. It could be that He is teaching us something, or that He is preparing for something for us, or he wants us to be perfect not just good. Whatever it is, there is a reason for it.
Now I am going to get a little personal, but I really used to HATE waiting. I never saw the purpose in it. I didn't understand why if there was something that I wanted that was good why I couldn't have it, or why God didn't want me to have it. This became especially true during the past year and a half. We waited to have a child and then He went to Heaven before us, and then we wait to have another one without much success. It is just devastating!!!
As most of you know, Tom and I lost our son a little over a year and a half ago due to some complications with my pregnancy. The anticipation and expectations were so hopeful and great only to be let down and not getting to bring little Caden home was the worst thing that ever happened in my life. To this day I still cry when I think about it. Most of this past year I spent grieving and walking down a road that I never wanted to go down, and at times had to be pushed to get to a place where God could use me and my faith despite how I felt. I don't know if Caden really impacted this world, but he sure impacted my life and made me want to be a more humble and generous person who felt pain of all sorts and still wanted to help others see that life is so precious and that I am not here to waste that gift God has given me. Life for me was filled with great leaps of faiths where I had to walk without knowing what was in front of me, but I had to trust that God had a step there for me walk on. A lot of the past year or so was spent really soul searching and looking at me in a way that I didn't want to do. I don't know what you all know about grief, but it can be very ugly. I was scared to let that part of myself be seen. I thought that people wouldn't like me or wouldn't want to be around me even more b/c of such a burden I was carrying.
Back in January, I thought that things would never get any better. I went through such a time of sorrow that I never thought I could get out of it. I thought the cloud of grief would forever hang over me and not let me go. God though got a hold of me and showed me that ALL I needed was Him and that I could trust him, b/c he felt my exact pain and he knew me better than anyone. He sent me on a soul searching journey that would forever change my life. There I found PEACE. Not just the peace that I was waiting for, but PEACE to be me, the Mira that I needed to be to move away from grief. I began to laugh, I mean really laugh again. We started to go to other churches where we felt ok to be ourselves again. You see the us we knew is gone, and the new us needed a place to belong. I started to find that I liked doing things again, like crafts, making cards for people who were hurting, and sending CDs with music that could truly touch the soul. I also so much saw into the heart of God and why he wanted me to wait for so many things. It wasn't that he isn't doing anything. It is that he is preparing the way for me and in the process he is holding me and sustaining me with his love until He reveals something much deeper. I knew that God wanted me to have peace with him and myself and not to worry about life before he wanted another child to enter our lives.
I am sure glad that he did. As I write all of these words to you. God had created a miracle in me and sometime in October we will have another baby. I am glad that I worked through my trust issues with God and myself, and also that I came to terms with losing Caden. I believe that Caden will be the best big brother for any children we have and he will personally guide them and watch over them in a way only a heavenly being can do. I thank God for giving me that. I still miss him very much, and that will never go away, but had I not found peace, I wouldn't be able to be truly joyful about having another baby.
Thank you Lord for never giving up on me, and walking down the road with me.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and do not lean on your own understanding
With everything that you have acknowledge Him,
and He will direct your paths.