For the past couple of weeks, I have been not only going through the various stages of grief, but also trying to know how to be like Jesus when dealing with the hurtful things that people say and do. As if it is not bad enough that I lost my son, and have only my pictures left to remember him by, but people can be just so very cruel. I think to myself, " Do they really know what they just said to me?" I have to admit, that I don't fully understand the stages of grief, but I do know that when someone is dealing w/ grief, the last thing they need is for other people to rush them through their grieving period. The grief process is a way for me at least to feel close to Caden. Now I don't entirely know what that looks like for me from day to day, but I do know that trying to honor his life is hard when people say the meanest things that couldn't possibly be taken in any way but just plain mean.
I will start by saying that lately I have had more than my fair share of insensitive & downright mean things that people do or say to me. I want to say, "Really? Do you even know what you are saying, & how cruel your words are?" I ask God everyday to give me the strength to forgive those people who have been less than sensitive to my son dying. I have had so very many "hit you in the gut" moments where it feels almost as if I am reliving losing Caden all over again. I feel as though I not only lost my son, but I have lost a huge part of my future, I have lost a large part of my identity, and I am losing some close friendships too. It is just too much for me to deal with all at once.
I had some great revelations while talking w/ a friend the other day. She helped me see that I need to put myself in curcumstances and around people who will be more comforting, encouraging, & uplifting to me rather than dragging me down and making me feel worse. As I look at it, I have 2 buckets, one is joy the other is sorrow and despair. Right now I am trying to work on the friendships that are causing me to go into an even deeper despair than I already am. All the while that bucket has a hole in it, and is an endless and worthless battle that I cannot win. I now see that I need to stop trying to work on those relationships that are dragging me down and focus on friendships that will & are helping me grow & encouraging me to continue to remember my son and live on in a way that would please him. From learning this, I now know that I have to make some big changes in my life. I am not entirely sure what that looks like for me, but I do know that I can't keep living in such a place of despair forever. I have been so completely fed up with so many insensitive and rude comments made by people that I have trusted with some very personal and deep parts of myself. Many things that have been said to both Tom and I have left permanent scars that will take time to heal
Right now I am holding onto the verse Phillipians 4:8.
"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy- think about such things."
This is what I have to tell myself when others are hurtful to me. So I start a new journey to see what new path God might be leading me down even though it may be completely foreign and unfamiliar to me, I must put myself in places & with people that will provide hope, healing, and encouragement to my life. I can't keep putting myself in places and around people who are continuing to hurt me. While I know that most of the things said are not meant that way, it is just too much to deal with on top of grieving and getting to know my life again. I have been searching for whatever this new life is for me, only to be disappointed time and time again. I continue to reach out with the hopes that someone will reach back and just say that I am important and that I matter. I have given my desires up to God and just am living in him the only way I know how to. I'll say that maybe sometimes I don't do it too well, but it is all I know how to do.
So here starts a new chapter of discovery as to who God is creating me to be right now. Now is all I have. It is scary, lonely, and hard, but I do believe that it will bring me to a place of deeper understanding of who God is and just how much he really does love me. It is what I need to do for myself, and a way that I can honor Caden with the positive & joyful parts of my life. I pray that I will hear God's voice clearly and am going to let him be the driver in my life. Not quite sure what that will look like, but I know that God does not want me to be dumped on and dragged down by so many hurtful things. He instead wants me to allow him to show me new friendships and joys that only He can bring to me. I pray that I can see those things very soon.