It's been a while since I last posted. I wonder if anyone even reads anymore, but then I am reminded of why I started this blog in the first place and I keep coming back to it.
Recently, we've been hit with a lot of trials. You would think I would be used to it by now. Facing trials is something that I have grown accustomed to dealing with and hopefully learning from each one. Many times I fail miserably and have to start all over learning some lessons the hard way, and many times I just have to keep pressing on. I think of James, where he says, "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life God promises to those who love Him." What a great thought to know that God has a plan for my trials and that He delights in me when I persevere through the tough times. It reminds me daily that this earth is not our forever home, and I should not get too comfortable here.
So, I thought I would take some time to share some things that have been heavy on my heart. I don't know why so many challenging things happen in life, but I do know that God has it in His control and there is a plan. I wonder A LOT what that plan is and have come to the conclusion that I will probably not know some of those plans this side of heaven, but I hold onto the hope that God will lead me and guide my family.
2015 did not start out too well or us. Right before Christmas, my grandma had a massive stroke. I've seen people that have had strokes before, and I realize how debilitating it is to recover from one, but in my experience I've seen them recover. However, that was not the plan for my grandma. Her stroke hit a part of her brain that was inoperable. We watched her quickly slip into a state where she was no longer coherent. My husband, kids, and I were able to see her a couple days before Christmas on a day that she was doing really good. After that things went down hill really fast. She ended up passing away a couple of days after Christmas.
I wasn't really close to my grandma, but we always went to her house ever since I was really little. She lived on a farm and it was one of those places where you could run free and not get into too much trouble. Eventually when I began to have kids, my own kids would just run free too. It's very different than city living. I'm really going to miss some of the things I didn't get to do yet with her. She always talked about teaching me how to crochet and knit. She was amazing at it. I regret that I never really learned that from her. I also have been really cherishing the quilts and blankets she's made for our family.
That has weighed heavy on my heart and I think is a little of how grief is working in me right now. I have a hard time sleeping and just want to watch movies late into the night to mask my sorrow and regrets. I haven't really shared that with too many people, but there it is I said it.
After all the trips back and forth and the funeral, my husband got really sick. I won't go into too many details, but he missed almost a week of work. He rarely even misses a day let alone a whole week. So I was trying real hard to keep the kids quiet while he slept and rested to get better. I did eventually take him to the doctor where we found out that he had the flu, and on the verge of having pneumonia, along with an enlarged liver. So we have had to make some changes in our habits. I can share more on that in another post.
We have some awesome friends who saw how busy I was working taking care of everything in our house that they took our kids for an evening and allowed me some time to myself. I got a pedicure, which I haven't had since I think last June. It was a nice treat for me, and definitely met a need in our lives.
A short time later, I found out that a couple that we've gotten to know briefly at church delivered a stillborn son. I'm so SAD for them. I remember how heartbroken and overwhelmed I was and it pains me to hear that someone else has to go through that. I've prayerfully sought out how God would have us reach out to this couple. I know what was helpful for us, but I also know people need different things at different times. I eventually called the wife and offered my support and encouragement. I know the journey will be tough for them. This has got me thinking a lot about how to serve doing the Lord's work. I don't know what He has planned for me in that area, but it warms my heart that my painful circumstances can encourage someone else. I don't like that it has to be that way, but it is.
Now we are having some house issues. Being home has allowed me some great time to spend with my kids, but I also see how much need there is in our house. So our garage door opener broke, which would have been ok, except that my car was stuck inside the garage and I needed to pick up Jaycee from school. Luckily, I have met a couple of great parents with kids at Jaycee's school and one of the moms was able to pick her up and bring her home. Such a God thing if you ask me. Then we had a broken garbage disposal, which can be fixed, but Tom hasn't had the time, and then my vacuum cleaner won't pick up anything. It's hard to keep a house clean with two kids, a dog, and a husband when you don't have a properly working vacuum cleaner. When it rains it pours. Most of those things will get taken care of probably by the time I'm done writing this, but it was just one thing after another.
I keep asking myself what does God want me to learn from all of this? Right now, I think it is a great time for reflection. I had almost two days where I couldn't go anywhere unless I walked. So, I worked on trying to memorize James again, I considered what my fitness goals are, and I worked on our budget and savings plan. Nothing too exceptional, but just some down time that I wasn't expecting.
I am healing from the regrets I have after losing my grandma, and realize that while I know she is in a better place, it has affected me more than I realized. I'm also seeing that God is changing me in ways that I don't quite understand. I have also been wondering if maybe God is calling me to something more. I just don't have any clear answers or direction, and so I will wait patiently for Him to guide my steps and show me what He wants me to do.