Thursday, November 3, 2011

4 Years

November 2, 2011

Caden would have been 4 years old.  It hardly seems possible that it has been four years since we had to say good bye to him.  It seems like we have just been able to move forward and have become so busy that we don't think about him as much as we used to.  A lot of times I have a hard time thinking about that day, b/c so many painful memories come back, and I just don't want to be in a painful place anymore.  I wish that I could remember Caden without remembering all the pain that I felt surrounding that time of my life. 

The last couple of years we have tried to do somethings that will help us as a family remember Caden and all the positive things that have come into our lives since losing him.  At times, it is hard to think about, but then there are so many things that have made us as a family stronger and able to handle the little troubles in life a little better. 

The day really didn't go as we had planned, but we should be used to plans not going the way we want them to.  I think that I was expecting to just meet some cousins, and spend time talking in the car as we drove to see them.  Tom and I had some different ideas of how we wanted the day to go, and the place that we are in how we want to remember Caden.  That is what makes losing him so hard.  Everyone grieves in their own way and as a couple we aren't always in the same place.  Some of the things that help Tom remember and feel better after losing him, just make it really hard for me.  I also know that we both have different perspectives of the siutation.  We do try to help each other when we can, but the day just wasn't much of how we had planned it to be.  But that is just how it goes sometimes, and maybe there was a point to it that we don't realize.

We did plant some flowers in the garden that I made a few years ago as a remembrance.  Plants are hard to keep pretty for very long, but it was nice to have some color back in the garden again.

We started doing a balloon release every year since 2007, and have tried to continue that.  We have been getting balloons 1 for every year that he would have been.  This year we headed to Party City to get 4 balloons.  Then I had some cards and we each wrote something on them and just went to drive around looking for a place to release them and just have some time in prayer and thoughts of Caden and his short life.  We drove around town here, and found a lake out west of us.  As we drove we found a place to let the balloons go.  We said a small prayer and let the balloons go and watched as they made it up into the air until we couldn't see them anymore.

The day was pretty sad, and I did a lot of crying.  Just remembering some of the things I felt when we lost him put me to tears.  And then having our plans get kind of out of sink didn't really help either.  But, we sure do miss Caden, and we know that he is safe and watching over all of us here.


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