It has been a while since I last mentioned anything about us. We had some great plans w/ friends on the 4th of July, & then going up to Kansas City w/ my parents and hanging out at the Legends shopping area. It was nice to have a couple of days to not have to think about the heavy loads that Tom and I have been carrying around. We haven't said much, because we just don't even know where to begin. So here goes.
Tom- He has been really trying to make the most of the rest of the summer by working on certain projects in our house that were not planned, but just that he has been thinking about doing. He has replace the floors in two of our bathrooms, and will start on our kitchen hopefully sometime this week if some other things work out. I will share more of that later. He is also waiting to play his last and final softball game for the summer, but then is maybe wanting to be part of a fall league. I think that it gets his mind off of other things and he can take out his anger on a softball and hit it w/out feeling bad about it. He hasn't been to the races too much this summer, but would love to go if anyone is interested in doing that with him. Call him or invite him yourself. He likes when people call and ask him to do things. He says that it makes him feel like people actually want him around. He doesn't feel so forgotten that way either. That is a nice thought. He spends a lot of time working on things for the house or outside the house, and taking care of Mollie. He is so good w/her and she really loves him.
Mira- I am continuing to work on my garden. I am almost done with all of the rock and landscaping, now I have to pick out what types of plants that I want to put in there as well. This project has been very meaningful to me b/c I feel it is a way to honor Caden and to never let him be forgotten. Forgotten, that is a word that has come up a lot lately. I do feel that way very much lately. I know a little bit of why I feel that way, but don't entirely understand it. I really don't want Caden to be forgotten, and in my efforts to be the best person I can be, I think that if I am happy and doing well, then I am forgetting him. Even though I didn't get to know him really, I would have liked to have had the chance to be the best mom that I could be. When I think about wanting to have another baby, I think that I am such an awful person for thinking that way b/c my son is not here. How can I ever be happy again, when there is so much pain inside me. At times like this I see myself taking thousands of steps backwards. Going backwards is the most awful thing for me to do in my own eyes. I just don't know what to do sometimes and just cry and cry. It is so hard to go back and deal w/ things that I thought I had gotten through already. Right now I am reading 2 books. One is called The Shack. It is about this man who is wrestling w/ his perception of God. He wonders how God could allow so much pain & suffering to enter his life and the lives of so many other good people. He just doesn't understand. I feel that way too. For the longest time I have seen God as a good God, and I still believe that, but for a while now, I think to myself what is the use? Like today, I remembered to pray for a friend was going through a very scary medical procedure, and while I was praying for her, I said to God, " I don't even know if you here me anymore, but please be w/ my friend and protect her and give her a sense of peace and calmness as she goes through her procedure." It make me so very sad when I here myself say those things. I don't want to be mad or angry w/ God, and I know that he is only looking out for me, but I just don't understand him right now. Even so, I still pray and hope that he will hear me someday. Maybe one day I will know why I have to suffer so much right now. The other book that I am reading is called Captivating. So far I didn't like the first three chapters, but the last 2 chapters that I read have been just about the same things. Why does God allow so much pain & suffering? Here is a quote from the book that really spoke to me. ** Oh, but you are alone. This is the way of the Evil One (satan) toward you (women). He plays upon a woman's worst fear: Abandonement. He arranges for he to be abandoned & he puts his spin on every event he can to make it seems like abandonement.** When we lost Caden, I have felt abandoned by God, my friends, & family off and on so very many times. I felt like every time that I was pushed to hurry through my grief and be ok again, that Caden was being taken away from me all over again, that pain stings more than I will ever be able to express.
Well, once again, I have written a book. Which is one thing that I am hoping to do to let others know that they don't have to go through life's trials alone. That alone feeling is one of the worst ever. Also I have been praying about starting up a possible small group, but I don't have a clear answer if that is best right now.
On another note. To let you know about both Tom and I, we are having a lot more hard and difficult times then what we had anticipated. While each individual problem would be tolerable on its own, many of them all together have been making us very weak, weary, & just plain worn out. While we may look ok and put on a brave face, inside we are really needing for things to get better. Just this weekend we learned that our air conditioner went out and that our entire heating & cooling system will have to be replaced to fix the problem. The unit just doesn't work. And to make matters worse, it is going to cost $4500 to fix it. I don't know about you, but we just don't have that much extra laying around. We were starting to feel really good about ourselves, b/c in May we had paid off our last little bit of major unnecessary debt (credit cards, etc.) and now we are going to have more debt. We also are still praying and thinking about what to do as far as church goes, and we are grieving which is a loooooooooooooong process, and we are tired of it all. We don't honestly know how much more we can take. It is starting to really challenge our marriage, not that Tom and I are having any problems, but we are really being challenged and we are a little bit more short with each other than normal. So continue to keep us in your prayers. A part of both Tom and I have just about given up even trying. What is the use sometimes? Will things ever get better? Are we meant to be happy?
Talk to all of you soon. Say a small prayer for us. Maybe God will listen to you.
Tom & Mira