Sunday, June 22, 2008

Our Journey

This past week we spent it doing not a whole lot. Tom is continuing to play softball with the team from church. They won one of their games this week and then lost the other. I think that they played better this week then before, but Tom is always so hard on himself. I wanted to work on my memorial garden, but it was so wet, so I am hoping this week will be better and that I can get a lot done. I will keep updates of my progress.

I finally gave my friend her quilt/blanket that I made for her tonight. I had it finished a couple of weeks ago when I couln't sleep one night. Going to her baby shower was one of the hardest things that I have done. I couldn't even look at the things that she got, especially the clothes. I never got to have a shower, and I will never have that same excited feeling again. I wish that I could have that back, but I guess that is all part of my healing process. I hope that one day I can actually be somewhat joyful and attend a baby shower for friends.

Well, here's how Tom and I are really doing. A lot of people ask us how we are doing? It is so easy to say "Fine", when really we have so much on our minds and hearts that we aren't sure if anyone is really wanting to know how we really are. So here goes.

Tom --> He has been reading this book about a pastor in Olathe who lost his college aged son. The book is about what he is learning through his grief process. A lot of what the book has to say hits home and he can definitely relate to it. I think that it is great to have a man's perspective on grief. His sometimes wonders how Caden would have been at this stage. He would have been 7 months old. Tom right now is in so much need of encouragement. He needs some kind of reassurance that life is going to get better than it is right now. He also wants to move on but not forget Caden and feel good about life again. I am proud of him though, b/c he is still continuing to reach out to other guys and invite them to do things with him or play on his sports teams with him. He is so good about that kind of thing. He also has been so much more open about how life is just hard sometimes, and I see him reallly searching for the truth GOD and what GOD wants him to do in his life. He doesn't have things all figured out, but he is showing me that when things are so super tough and we don't think we can do it, we are wrapped up in the arms of Jesus and he will sustain us.

Mira --> I have my ups and downs and when I am down, I am REALLY down. All I can do is just cry when I have those down times. It is so hard to explain or even be a part of. I so much want to be different and joyful. I feel as if grief has taken so much away from who I am that I can't see who I am becoming again. I really struggle with that. Right now the hardest place for me to be is church. I wish it weren't so, but I praise God so much at home and in my own time and place and have seen glimpses of God in a very private and personal way, that when I am at church, I feel like I am just there to be there. I feel like I have been labeled "The Girl Who Lost Her Son." I wonder sometimes if my life or Caden's even matters at all to anyone anymore. I love the people at my church, but sometimes it is so hard to be there. I sit by myself sometimes, and it hurts so much that no one stops to ask me if I would like to sit with them. I also have felt like I need to go to the altar every time I have the chance to just thank God for getting me this far. I often would love for someone to come and pray with me just to know that they still care and that I still matter and that Caden still matters, but a lot of times that doesn't happen. I know that many people have no idea what to say or do, so they say nothing and do nothing. That sometimes makes it worse for me, because I think that they just don't care. I get the feeling that people just don't know how to be around me right now. I am so completely lost when I am at church and just don't know where I belong or fit in. Do I even have a place right now? My only child is not with me, but I did have a son, I am not too old, so where does that leave me? That is what I am needing constant prayer and support to find that place where I belong again. I feel like I am starting all over again, and it is soooooooooo hard.

Real quick. I have come to terms with some aspects about Caden dying and my guilt and such. I recently read a book called " A Room of Marvels." In the book the author goes to heaven where many of the people that have died or that he had impacted in some way are in heaven taking him on a journey to his special room. You know the verse " In my house there are many rooms,... I will go there to prepare a place for you" (my very paraphrased version). Anyways, his daughter is there. She died when she was 2. She is the one that asked God to let her father take this journey. He sees all of the people's lives that he has touched in one way or another that he never even knew about. The last stop on his journey is into his "room" where his daughter is waiting for him. She talks to him about why he is always so sad and in pain when he thinks of her. She assures him that she is just fine, and doesn't have to be crippled anymore. In heaven she is "perfect". She wants her daddy to not be in so much pain b/c she isn't and that some day they will see each other again. But for right now she is saving his "room" for him until he comes. That was such a touching chapter that I cried the entire time I was reading it. What I learned from it to relate to myself is that Caden is ok. He is waiting for me and wants me to be happy. He knows how much I miss him and the life that we could have shared together, but he is in perfection and doesn't have to feel any pain. He knows that I will be happy again, and he wants that for me. He is looking down on me and wants me to do the best I can and to keep looking to GOD for my strength. He is with me always. What a great thought.

I will write more next week. But I wanted to say thanks for your love & support & kindness to us this past 7 months.

God Bless

Tom & Mira


Christina said...

Mira- Thank you for your honesty! Now I know exactly how to pray for you. I still have my snowman hanging in my kitchen...I often pray for you while I"m cooking dinner! I believe God will honor your desire for resolve & future joy! The fact that you & Tom are turning to God is so great. I will look forward to checking back to this blog often...thanks for creating it! By the way I love your nursery pics! That wall is amazing...I can only imagine how long it took!!

Mira said...

Thanks Christina. It makes me laugh that you still have that snowman. I am surprised that it hasn't broken yet. I too still have the ones that I made for myself. It is funny the things that remind us of each other.

On another note, I so totally appreciate your encouragement if only from many miles away. Just to know that you somewhat understand and have not forgotten about me means more than you will ever know. I cried as I read your email. You are so thoughtful. Thanks

The Wells said...

Tom & Mira, Meagan and I as so blessed to have you as a part of our lives! You are true friends that we look up to as a role models! We don't hang out enough but when we do we go home looking at each other and having such a look on our face like "wow those are two incredible people (Friends) that God has blessed us with" Tom- you are so encouraging and positive about everything even when you are hard on yourself. Mira- you are so sweet and persevere. Meagan just goes on and on about how great of a friend you are! I want to thank you for that! I hardly knew Caden but I know he would be a lot like you and Tom and he would and is (I consider) a real friend to Brenton. I have to be honest with you guys I do a lot of thinking about Brenton and Caden playing and doing what little boys do... eating dirt... the whole bit. After reading your guy's blog I have been touch and honestly cry too. Meagan and I still have a hard time with all that has happened. You guys are always on our mind and care for you guys very much! You are true friends!