Remembering Caden

Every year, we try to come up with a way to remember Caden.  Sometimes it isn't anything really significant, but just to see what we've been blessed with since that day.  As Jaycee gets older, she has begun to ask questions about Caden.  I pray for wisdom as I try to share his story with her and eventually Miles. 

So we decided to go downtown to The Keeper of the Plains.  It was a beautiful morning and we said a little prayer and wrote a note about our thoughts and then released a balloon.  Jaycee was very excited to see that balloon go "up to Heaven, with Jesus, and Caden" as she put it.  It was a time for us to reflect back on those times, and to see the many ways God has provided for our family and how He has changed us in ways we never would have been without Caden's memory in our lives.  I also loved seeing God's creation and the beauty of the weather outside.  I can't imagine going through hard things without believing that God has a plan and what happens is all for His glory and I pray everyday that He helps me trust in His plan especially when it doesn't make sense to me. 


 We released a balloon and said a prayer for Caden.  Then we watched until it disappeared.

This is my favorite picture.  Hard to believe that it is from my little hand held camera.
 

 Later on in the day, we found this really fun park.  I call it the Castle Park.  We stayed there until it got dark.

Six Years - Our Story

I thought that for this post I would just share our story again.  I don't how many people read this, but it is hard to believe that it has been six years since our little Caden went to be with Jesus.  There are many days when it seems like the time has flown by and then there are days where it seems like just yesterday and is still so fresh in my memories.  Those memories are hard for me!!!  I am trying this year to be purposeful in what we do to celebrate the good things God has blessed us with since losing Caden and sharing his memories with my kids.  That tends to be a task that I don't quite feel prepared for, but I know God will give me wisdom in how to grieve and celebrate at the same time.  Here's our story.

In 2007, Tom and I were both teaching at that time.  We had talked about starting a family many times, but just never quite felt ready for the responsibilities of raising kids and the financial toll it would put on our life as a couple.  A few years earlier, we had taken a Crown Financial Ministries Bible study.  It taught us so much and we really began to see a snowball of debts being paid off quickly.  Our dreams were to one day be completely debt free.  That is still a goal.

That same year, we decided to head to Chicago to see our favorite college basketball team play, the KU Jayhawks.  They were in the first round of the NCAA tournament and we found some pretty reasonable tickets.  Needless to say, we were excited for the opportunity to see them play and to do some traveling.  Several weeks after returning home from Chicago, I began to feel pretty lousy. I wasn't sure what it was, but I had not felt that sick in a long time. I couldn't eat anything and I felt very nauseous. I hadn't really thought about it too much, but that sick feeling just would not go away. So I decided to take a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it was positive. I was completely shocked!!!! We had talked about starting to have kids soon, but were planning on trying after the school year was over for the summer. I had no idea that it could happen so fast!!!

After getting used to the idea of being pregnant and becoming parents soon, we started to get excited and plan what to do for a nursery. I had a picture saved from when we took a trip to Home Depot and I told Tom someday that I would like to decorate our kids' room like that. He remembered and that was that. We picked out the bright colors of lime green, yellow, and turquoise. Tom spent a weekend taping and putting the colors into a checkered pattern. When he finished it looked just like I had imagined it to be.

Later that summer we found out that we were going to have a boy. We were both pretty excited b/c he was going to be the first grandson on both sides of our families. We were excited to be able to teach him about all of the things we loved, like Jesus, sports, family, traveling, and much more.  We were anxiously anticipating his arrival.

School started that August and I was busy!!! I was teaching 3rd grade at the time and really wanted to get my students off to a good start before I would be taking my maternity leave in December.  I was also quite stressed since 3rd grade is when state assessments start.  I wanted to get my class off to a good start.  I had quite the challenging group of kids which made the task of preparing them for when I would be gone a little harder.  But I was up for the challenge.

On one of my appointment days, I had to leave school really quickly to get to my appt. on time. I also forgot that I had afterschool duty that day too. I was needless to say a little overwhelmed and stressed. I ended up making it to my appt. on time and luckily for me, Tom was able to go with me. Little did I know that day would forever change my life.

We went into the Drs. office and I thought it was a regular check up. The nurse checked the regular things like blood pressure and proteins and such. She said that my blood pressure was high, but didn't really seem too concerned about it. As my Dr. entered the room, I just knew that something was different about this appt. then the others. She said that my blood pressure was too high and that I had too much protein and she was sending us straight to the hospital. I was terrified. I was only 30 weeks pregnant at that time and not ready at all to have a baby.

We went to the hospital and I was given a dose of steroids and lots of other fluids to try to get my blood pressure down.  The nurses there were so kind and took great care of me.  I was ready with the steroid shots just in case I was going to have the baby early. I was in the hospital for a total of 4 days before they let me go home. I was put on strict bed rest at home and was going to stay at home until I had the baby. My Dr. diagnosed me as having preeclampsia. It is pregnancy induced high blood pressure, and is sometimes common in women with their first pregnancies. The only way to get rid of it is to have the baby, but it was too early for that.

I had to get used to the idea of being on bed rest.  I sat in my house and stared at the walls wondering what to do, but knowing that I just had to stay put and rest.  So I obediently followed all of my doctor's instructions.  I also had a lot of time to think, think, and think some more.  Not only did I have time to think, but I also had a lot of time to read.  I was given several books and put them in a basket by me.  I read a lot about parenting and also just some fun Christian fiction novels.  I used a lot of that time to pray and speak to God.  It was a great time for me to ask for wisdom as we were about the embark onto a new journey of parenthood.  It was during this time that I started to make lots of notes in my Bible and put sticky notes on the pages which had verses that really spoke to me and gave me great comfort. 

Three weeks later, my Dr. sent me in for a biophysical profile, which is basically a sonogram, but they are looking for specific movements. As I went to that appt. my pastor's wife at the time took me, because Tom couldn't come with me. I went in with a positive attitude and just was waiting out the last several weeks until I could hold my baby in my arms. While I was there, I could just sense that something was different. The sonographer sent me immediately to my Dr. I thought that was strange as I didn't have an appt. with her then. As I entered the office, I saw the receptionists talking and then fell silent as I entered. It was then that I knew that I would not be getting good news, but I was still hopeful. I thought that I was going to have to go into the hospital right away b/c of some of my protein levels. I had no idea what was about to happen. My pastor's wife stayed out in the car to wait for me, b/c I didn't think it would be too long.


I have always been told that God never gives you more than you can handle, but I never really knew what that meant until that first day in November. A different Dr. came in and asked me if there was anyone that could come in the room with me. So I called my pastor's wife in the car and let her know what they said to me. She advised me that I should call Tom. She also called her husband and they both came into the room with me. It seemed like I was waiting forever for someone to tell me what in the world was going on. Finally another Dr. came in and said that my baby had no heart beat.  I tried really hard to hold it together, but all I could do at that point was to cry. My whole world fell apart!!!  I remembered thinking that it was a mistake and that they should do another sonogram. Tom came and I had to tell him the bad news. His words the best kind of loving husband. He simply said "God is in control." It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was the truth. We both sat there and cried and prayed that God would give us the strength to do what we needed to do and grieve in a way that brought glory to His name. I sometimes don't know if we have done that. So much has happened, but I know that God revealed himself to me in ways that I would never have imagined.

Later that day, we headed to the hospital again. My dr. was not on-call that day, but she came and did whatever I needed so that I would have minimal pain and that it would be a quick delivery. Yes, I had to deliver as if he was a healthy live baby, but with the knowledge of knowing that he was gone.  I didn't think that I could do it.  For an entire day, I was being prepped to deliver a baby that was no longer alive and it really made me angry!!!  They decided to induce me, so that things would go along faster.  There was a lot of fuss, and rushing to get everything going quickly, and I wondered what the rush was all about.  Everyone kept asking me how my vision was, how I was feeling, and if I felt faint or something.  I thought it was really strange and just wanted everyone to leave me alone to cry and grieve silently.  What I didn't know, but found out later was that they were extremely concerned for my health.  My blood pressure since first arriving at the hospital rose to dangerous levels and they were concerned for my safety.  At one point, my blood pressure was 200/100.  I never paid much attention to blood pressure, but that was extremely dangerous, even more than I realized at the time. 

So, after a day and a half of crying, pain, induction, and trying to deliver a baby, on Friday November 2, 2007 at 1:15 pm, I delivered a stillborn Caden Everett Ehrlich. He weighed 3 lbs. and 6 oz. He was so tiny, but so complete too. Tom and I were able to hold him for as long as we wanted to. It was a bittersweet moment. I knew that he was not there, but all I wanted to do was hold him. I felt so empty!!!

I ended up having to stay in the hospital for another 4 days until my blood pressure went back down. While I was there many family and friends came to visit. It brought a little comfort at such a painful time. Tom and I also had to prepare for a memorial. Neither one of us had even considered having a memorial or knew what we would do. Our pastor told us about an organization called Agape Care Cradle. So we said that we would look into it. They helped us decide what kind of service we wanted to have and how we wanted to remember Caden. We never thought that we would have a baby and then give him a memorial service all in the same week. It broke both of our hearts.

Caden's memorial was a way for us to share our faith with many people. Our students at work made cards and shared with us similar situations that they had with losing a little brother or sister. I also heard from many people that they were amazed at how we were able to leave the hospital without Caden. There was no amazement about it. For us we had no choice. It was what had to be done. I also had many people that wanted to donate in Caden's name to different organizations and such. I was overwhelmed at how much Caden had affected others. I decided that I did not want to waste my pain and I wanted to do something to honor him.

This blog was my way of honoring him. I talk about our trials and how we have come through some rough storms. I never thought of myself as someone who is strong, but with God's help, I am stronger than I ever wanted to be especially when I felt like giving up.   Losing Caden taught me many things about the world around me and what is really important. That day God changed me and allowed me to lean on Him in the most vulnerable way possible.  I don't know how I would have been able to go through all of that without my Faith and Hope in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Knowing Jesus gives me hope that this world is not all there is for me.  With lots of help from Him I continue to trust in the plans that God has for me and my family.  I don't begin to know or understand the things God has planned for my life, but I do know that one day my tears will be wiped away and I rejoice and hope for that day.  As I look at all the ways God has blessed me and my family since losing Caden, I know that I have learned so much about the kind of parent the Lord wants me to be.  As I think about Caden, I cry a lot, but I also celebrate what I've been blessed with and how I've grown as a Christian, woman, mother, wife, daughter, and friend.  I want to be intentional in how I grieve so that my kids will see God's glory through losing Caden and will celebrate what the Lord has brought us through and how we've grown. 

Caden, I believe is living in perfection and I am so jealous. His first experiences are of our Heavenly Father. I have learned so much from him. I hold him in my heart always and he will never be forgotten. As I remember him, I cry a lot, but I also think about the blessings I've received and that my faith means so much more now.  So, as I cry and grieve this year, I hold onto my Lord and wait until he decides that I can see Caden again.


the Ehrlich's

33 Weeks

Pregnancy Update:

This week I'm 33 weeks along.  That means only 7 weeks left until we get to meet this new little guy.  While I'm excited about the arrival of another little one in our lives, I'm also reminded about another time when we were expecting a little boy to come into our lives.  I was 33 weeks along when we found out that Caden would be delivered stillborn.  The details of that awful day still stick with me from time to time and I imagine that they always will. 

My anxiety has been all over the place, but I am reminded that God has a special place for me and for this baby and for Caden to be quite honest.  I am reminded that Caden is up in heaven holding and preparing a place for when we can meet him.  That thought makes me both cheerful and tearful all at the same time.  I can't know what life may have been like had things turned out in a different way.  All I know is that this is the path that was laid out before me and I had to walk it rather roughly.  I'm not quite sure some days if I walked it well, or even if I still do walk it well.  I do know that the pain is not so much in my face like it used to be and that I think of all the good that has come as a result of that terrible day.

This summer I started a Bible study called, Jonah:  Navigating a Life Interrupted.  I'm not really sure yet what God may be doing to interrupt my life right now, but 5 years ago after losing Caden, I definitely sensed that God interrupted my life.  Now I'm not sure if the author of the study is meaning that kind of interruption, but for my life that is what it is meaning to me.  My life was so horribly interrupted, that I wasn't sure I could even live at times!!!

 Now, 5 years later, I think God is showing me what He brought me through after Caden was stillborn.  Yes, my life was interrupted from what I had imagined it would be, but it was also interrupted divinely through how God allowed me to trust Him more than I had ever had to before.  I changed in ways that I really didn't want to, but had to b/c I didn't want this period of grief to be wasted on things that didn't matter.  I learned so much more about myself than I ever knew was possible, and I became much stronger in my faith than I realized was possible.  God showed me peace!!!  The kind of peace that only comes from divine interruptions that God allows to be placed in our lives.  I became less fearful of the world and all of its imperfections and difficulties, and started to look at how God could use me to shed light on dark situations and circumstances.  I've met people that I never would have met, been open about parts of my life that I was so uncomfortable sharing, placed myself in positions that would have ordinarily caused me great fear, and most of all placed all of my fears in God's hands.  You can't know how peaceful that has made my life!!!

God didn't change anything about my life circumstances, but He did show a side of Himself to me that I had not seen up to that point.  He showed me how much I mean to Him even in the middle of my deepest grief.  He showed me how much I can TRUST Him in everything even when it doesn't make sense to me.  He showed me that my plans for my life can be altered and that He had a better plan with results that lead to a heavenly goal and not just a goal for me here on earth.  Most of all He showed me His tender love for a girl (still have a hard time calling myself a woman) who was so sensitive and lost and wanting to hide from it all, that my life did have value and He would reveal that to me when it was needed.

Several verses gave me such great comfort during that painful couple of years, that I think I will end by sharing them with you.  And I know a lot of friends and family are praying for us this week and I have really felt the presence of God covering me so far this week.  Thanks for praying for us!!!

Verses of Comfort:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever.
Proverbs 10:25

For I know that plans I have for you; declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-12



the Ehrlich's

Keepin' It Real

So I have been listening to Mandisa a lot these days.  Thanks to my friend Meagan.  She let me borrow her CD and I think that I have held onto it for a little longer than expected.  But she is the kind of friend that understands that life takes dramatic turns and allowed me to borrow it b/c I was struggling earlier this month.

 For those of you who know me, I am a pretty quiet person, and it takes me some time to warm up to people, but I have this side to me that is quite talkative and loves rockin' out to Christian music.  Back in the days, you could spot me in my little red sports car driving down main street blasting DC Talk's Jesus Freak album, or Jars of Clay, or even the Newsboys.  As I have gotten older, that part of me is tamed down, but still exist for the few people who can bring out the "crazy, outgoing, and rocker" girl in me.  Lately, it has been Mandisa, Toby Mac (formerly a DC Talker), Newsboys (whose lead singer is also a former DC Talker too), and Jeremy Camp.  Are you noticing a theme yet?  I have even made an ally of my daughter loving to rock out too.  But the difference is that unlike me, Jaycee is not quiet, shy, or slow to warm up to people.  She is very outgoing, loves to talk (non-stop sometimes), energetic, excited about almost everything, and bubbly.  Raising a child with different personality traits than myself has been a learning experience for me.  I don't like to stand out and I will blend in if necessary, but she likes the attention and is very strong willed.  While, I don't always understand her personality, I am grateful that she has a strong mind and I am learning so much about her outgoing personality.  She can make anyone laugh just when she is around them. 

Tonight I just want to say that in "Keepin' It Real" I have been struggling this month.  November is the month that I usually dread.  Five years ago in November, I had the most heart breaking tragedy happen to me, and I never thought that I would be able to make it past another hour, let alone be sitting where I am 5 years later.  Everything stopped for me.  Life as I knew it was gone, and I had to try to be someone I wasn't comfortable with.  Losing Caden was so very heart breaking and left me feeling so empty and alone inside.  I remember just sitting by myself and being sad and crying all the time at the smallest possible things that would trigger the memories of that day when I delivered him.  I sat in that hospital room holding my baby for the first time knowing that he wasn't there anymore.  My heart ached for the time that I don't get to spend with him and my life felt so empty.  I can't even begin to express all of the gamat of feeling that I went through.

Now 5 years later, I still feel that I am expected to be that kind of sad again.  I am sad, but not in the way that I once was.  I am sad that Caden doesn't see how many lives he has affected by heading straight to heaven and I want to be sad in a joyful way by remembering the things that have happened as a result of him.  I keep so much of him with me that I remember him when I see all of the people that I have crossed paths with since losing him. I see him in the new friendships that I have made that never would have been were it not for him going to heaven ahead of me.  I remember him everytime I see friends' kids who are the same age as he would have been.  I am also so grateful that Caden changed me.  There was a time when I didn't want to change because I didn't know that "new" girl.  But now I see how much more confidence I have in myself and how much the little things just don't matter in the grand scheme of life.  I have also changed by allowing a piece of him to come with me where ever I go.  He is with me when my daughter asks if the balloon we are holding is for Caden.  He is with me when I see someone hurting and just want to give them a hug, or plate of cookies, or send a card.  He is with me when I meet someone new facing a similar situation and see their breaking hearts and just sit with them.  He is mostly with me when I am alone with my thoughts and can't seem to sleep. 

I think what I am trying to say is that I want to remember Caden, but I am not at that place where I am sad about it as much.  God has been so faithful to me and my family and I know that is a direct result of Caden.  My view of how much God cares for my family has been amplified so much over these last few years.  I would not have been at a place of complete brokeness where all I had and needed was God to fill me, had it not been for losing Caden.  While I wish that God could have used something else to get me to where my faith is today, this is how it is, and I am learning to press on towards the heavenly goal and look to the future with hope knowing that in moving forward I am continuing to take Caden with me.  That is my prayer for my family.

One last blurb about "keepin it real".  I have a wonderful friend that I never would have ever really been close to had it not been for Caden.  This person I consider family.  Her kids play with mine, and she and her husband are among the few people that we feel we can be completely real with.  She accepts me when I am a mess, when I cry, when life is good, and when life is bad.  It is people like her that remind me how much Caden has made an impact on other lives besides just mine.  I have been so encouraged by the growth that they seen in our spritual lives and I know that I can go to them with anything.  Friends like that are hard to find.

So I end by saying that November pretty much just stinks for us, and that is ok.  I think it will always be this way and I will always struggle at this time of year.  Approach us with lots of love, kindness, and sensitivity this month. 


the Ehrlichs  

Three Years

Today it has been 3 years since we last saw and touched Caden.  We missed him a lot today.  We decided that we were going to do some things together as a family to remember him and to celebrate what he has meant and done for our lives since last having him.  This time of year always is kind of hard for us, because Halloween was the last time that Caden was alive.  It is in a way bittersweet now because we have a beautiful little girl who we so very much want to celebrate, but we also don't want to forget what Caden brought to our lives too.  It is something that we never imagined that our little family would have to be thinking about. 

We decided today to just get away for the day and remember and talk about the things that have happened since losing Caden and also the things that never would have happened without going through the grief of losing him.  I have had a hard time lately with that, because I don't want to be sad anymore and I am wanting to look at the beautiful things that have come about as a result of Caden.  There are many that I don't even realize. 

We decided to get 3 green balloons and head out of town.  First we went to my parents house.  They have been so very gracious about showing us that they care and remember Caden too.  It has amazed me how much that they think about him too.  My relationship with them has been a lot closer and easier to talk to them about the hardships of life than what it used to be.  I believe that Caden was the cause of bringing us together like that.  I thank him for that.

We then decided to go to Coronado Heights in the center part of Kansas.  I don't really know if it is exactly the center, but Tom said it is so I believe him.  He is usually pretty good about navigating and maps and stuff like that.  We thought it would be a good place to reflect on the last 3 years of our lives and to release our balloons.  I will say that the weather was absolutely beautiful.  I couldn't have asked for a better day. 



While we were reflecting about the last 3 years, I was thinking about how much has changed in me and in our relationship too.  Tom and I have gone through a lot!!!  We sometimes just don't know how to comfort each other, but we have had to have many really tough conversations and have had to step out of our comfort zones frequently these last 3 years.  He knows me better than anyone and I know that God put him in my life for a special reason. 

We were thinking back to the new friendships we have made since losing Caden.  That is one of the things that I am choosing to look at as a result of losing him.  There are so many painful memories that I don't want to remember and that I remember all too much that when I can think about the good things that have come from losing him, it makes all of the heartache and grief seem to mean something to me. 

At first when we lost Caden, many people asked us if there was anything that they could do for us.  We had no ideas how to even answer that question, but when we did, we were so unsure and scared how to approach those people again.  We would wonder, Did they really mean it?  Should I call them?  What if they don't want to talk to me?  What will I do then?  Those questions ran through our minds constantly.  I remember actually saying to myself that I need help and these people said I could call them, so here goes.  I got up every ounce of courage that I had and I made a phone call.  There were several times that I knew that person was not the person for me to talk to at that moment, but there were a couple of acquaintances (at least back then) that I called and they dropped whatever they were doing to just sit with me, or bring me a cherry coke, or take a walk with me, or just let me cry or pray with me.  I will never forget that for as long as I live.  That meant the most to me.  I felt like I was OK to be the weepy, out of control, crying, wreck of a person that I was back then and they were completely OK with me the way I was.  I don't think that those people would be such good friends as they are today had it not been for Caden bringing us together.  While I wish that I wouldn't have had to lose him to gain a new friend, I forever am grateful that he brought me out of my shell and allowed me to be vulnerable and real with people in a way that I never could before.  Through that I learned a great peace that is still with me now that we have continued to grow our family.  I believe that God put Caden in our lives to leave that type of legacy for us.



 As the day went on, Jaycee was not quite sure what to think about what we were doing.  I think she was just glad to have both of her parents all to herself.  She loved playing with the balloons in the car, and she had such a great attitude all day.  She smiled more today than I have seen.  I'm really glad that she has a big brother to look out for her.

Right before we released the balloons, well, there was only one by the time we got up to the top of the building because it was kind of windy and they flew away on their own and one popped while we were writing a note on it.  Tom took a moment to say a little prayer for Caden and our family and prayed that God would help us continue learning how to remember Caden in a special way each year and to bring to lessons we have learned from him with us.  I spoke a short word as if I were talking right to Caden himself.  I so wish that I could do that more, but it is hard.  I want Caden to know that I really miss him and that he has changed my life so much!!!!  I hope that he is keeping a place for us in heaven and that he will continue to watch over Jaycee when we can't.  I feel like when I look at Jaycee I see bits and pieces of Caden in her and it makes me cry and smile all at the same time.  After that we both held Jaycee's hand and let her release the balloon to the sky. 

Later on in the day, we decided to just hang out and see what we could find to do.  We stopped at a place where they had a small toy truck that Jaycee could ride and she had some fun with that.  It was a wonderful day.  We did a lot of talking in the car about what we were doing 3 years ago, and it makes me sad to think about it.  I don't want to remember all the hospital stuff, but that is where I was then.  I told Tom that I want to go from this point on remembering the positive things that have come about as a result of Caden.  I know that those sad days will come especially when those milestone days hit, but I also know that Caden is rejoicing in heaven and preparing a place for us when it is our time to join him. 



Throughout our grieving period, I searched and searched through my Bible for things that would comfort me and help me continue finding some sense of myself again.  There were many that went right along with what I was going through.  Here are a couple of my favorites.


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7

"...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through HIM who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:12-13


Thanks for listening to me share some of my most recent reflections about Caden and our journey through life without him.

Look At This!!!!

Look at what is in our driveway now!!!! 

Dirt, dirt, dirt, and more dirt.

As most of you know, I have been working on an outside project of some sort ever since Caden died.  It has been a very healing way for me to remember him and to just keep looking to the project as life and something that I can look at and see God's hand at work in me and my family.  There are so many times when God speaks to me, and doing these projects are a way for me to stay connected to Caden.  It seems like I am slowly starting to forget or at least the painful memories are not so "in my face" like they once were, that I think I need to do something to let him know that I still miss him and that he always has a place in my heart.

Earlier this week, Tom has been looking for a summer job to keep himself busy and to just have a little extra spending money for us to go on a trip this summer.  As he was driving around, he saw a sign that said "Free Dirt".  I think that I need to fill you in on the running joke around our house.  Ever since I started my outside projects, as we drive around Wichita and see all the new development of new restaurants, hotels, and houses, etc.  I would always say "Ooooh, Look some dirt.  We could haul that in the back of the jeep and take it home for my garden."  Funny right?  As you can tell, I wasn't too serious about it, b/c I knew that we could not fit too much dirt into the jeep and that it would just not be very practical. 

Anyway, Tom sees a sign one day this past week and calls the guy and stops by the place where he is getting rid of the dirt.  The man was very nice and said that he would load it all up for us if we could just come and pick it up.  Well, we don't have a big truck or anything, so I told Tom it was a nice thought, but we just don't have what we need to do it.  So what does Tom do?  He rents a truck from Home Depot (it's pretty reasonable if you ever need to do it) and goes out to the country and gets this dirt.  Pretty soon I see him coming down the street in a truck and a huge pile of dirt in the back. 

We got out our blue tarp, shovels, work shoes, and let Jaycee play in her bouncer.  Then we unloaded the dirt out of the truck.  We put it in our driveway so that it is out of the way and can dry out a little bit.  Between the two of us, an hour later, & lots of sweat dripping in our eyes, we got it unloaded, cleaned out the truck and Tom took it back to Home Depot.  That was my work out for the day.  And now we have lots of dirt to last for the whole summer.  I have BIG plans for that dirt, but it will take me a while.  I will have to work on it during Jaycee's nap times and on the weekends.  So keep looking for more updates on what I do with all that DIRT!!!

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 This is currently what the Memorial garden looks like.  I have had some new ideas and way to update and rearrange some things so that they will go together a little bit better.  My flowers are in full bloom right now and look so huge compared to what they were last year.  Jaycee is always a good subject to take a picture of, so she is in many of my pictures too.

 I put her in the laundry basket after I was done folding laundry.  She has had a bit of a cold lately, but she still love being outside.

 The bright orange flowers are lilies, and the white ones are a vining plant that my parents got for us a couple of years ago.  I keep trying to get that plant to vine up the side of the arch, but it just hasn't quite gotten there yet.

 This is the full garden so far.  I really need to get more mulch and weed it, but it really looks pretty good so far for me doing absolutely nothing to it yet.  I hope to make some new updates by the end of the summer. 

 Keep checking back with us.  We have a busy summer ahead of us, but it is busy with lots of love.  I am always amazed at how God could make such a beautiful world.  It really makes me stop and look at His creation and know that He loves me so much.  All of the bad things just seem to disappear when I look at it that way.

Sharing "Part 2"

So I had many people ask me about the article I wrote that I mentioned in my last post. I don't know for sure if it is up on the website yet, but I included it here. Reading this bring back so many memories, but also it gives me hope because Tom and I have come such a long way since then. My main purpose for writing this about Caden's short time with us, is so God will be glorified through my pain, and I look for ways that he can use me to help with that and I am willing to be used. Here it is. I hope you like it.

Caden Everett Ehrlich
Beloved Baby

Tom & Mira E h r l i c h headed to Chicago in 2007 to watch their favorite basketball team play in the first round game of the NCAA. When they returned to Wichita, a positive pregnancy test was almost a shock but also exciting. Mira picked out bright colors for the new baby’s nursery: lime green, yellow, and turquoise. Tome taped and arranged all the colors into a checkered pattern. They found out that they would have a boy. Everyone was excited because this would be the first grandson on both sides of their families. They knew their baby boy would share their love for basketball and sports.

Mira prepared her 3rd grade students for State Assessments even as she prepared for the new baby. When she was 30 weeks along a routine doctor visit raised concern because her blood pressure was too high. Mira’s doctor explained she was sending her straight to the hospital and that she would receive medication in case the baby decided to come early. Four days later, Mira was released from the hospital and put on strict bed rest because she had a condition called pre-eclampsia or pregnancy-induced high blood pressure. The only way to get rid of it was to have the baby. Mira followed her doctor’s orders to the letter. She prayed for and read to the “little guy inside of me” and followed all the restrictions to keep her baby safe so she and Tom could hold him soon. Three weeks later a sonogram was done to check the baby’s health. The sonographer sent Mira immediately to see her doctor. When she got to the office, the receptionists were talking but when she entered they fell silent. She sensed immediately the news must not be good, but remained hopeful thinking she would just have to go to the hospital right away. A doctor came in and asked Mira if there was anyone that could come in the room to be with her, so she call Tom and their pastor’s wife. Shortly before Tom arrived, another doctor came in and explained the baby had no heart beat. Tom got there and Mira told him about the baby. Their faith in God although shaken, remained strong as they cried together and prayed that even this almost unbearable tragedy would bring glory to His name.

Later that day at the hospital, their regular doctor came in. Even though she was off work that day, she stayed with them. They will always remember her kindness to be there for them. On Friday November 2, 2007 at 1:15 p.m., Mira delivered a stillborn boy: Caden Everett Ehrlich. Caden weighed three pounds six ounces. It was a bittersweet moment to finally hold him. They had never considered they would give birth and be planning a memorial service all in the same week. Their pastor told them about AgapeCare Cradle and called on their behalf. A director came to the hospital to talk with them.

“Agape Care Cradle walked us through the process of planning a memorial service for our baby step by step, offering choices and waiting as long as it took for us to make decisions.”



Caden’s memorial service was held at Wichita First Church of the Nazarene. “Praise You In This Storm”, a song by Casting Crowns, was played and Tom and Mira shred how God made them strong and how losing Caden had shown them what faith was really all about.

Hundreds of sympathy cards made by Tom and Mira’s

students were displayed at Caden’s Memorial service.

After many months, Tom and Mira decided to try to have another baby. Months passed and no baby. They started to grieve again for a new child, then gave their hopes and dreams of being parents again to God and waited. Finally they became pregnant again and on October 3, 2009 their baby daughter Jaycee was born.

“Jaycee brought joy back into our lives.”

They laugh and celebrate again and plan to tell Jaycee someday about her big brother in heaven who watches out for her and any brother would.